You’re fuckin lazy

I admit it.  When we separated, my husband hadn’t even been out of the house a full 48 hours when I logged online and ordered some personal pleasure items.  A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.  And doing him, was clearly not in the stars for the time being.

I was like a little kid opening a present when my “tools” got here.  I say tools cuz well, I’m more of a get the job done kinda girl than a play around girl.  I don’t have time to spend hours and hours double clicking any mouse other than the one on my computer.

The first time was awkward but soon I realized that sometimes, we do ourselves better than others do.  Needless to say, I got my money out of them very quickly.

Fast forward to the douche bag husband coming out with the fact that he had been having a long-ish term affair, with a girl I know.

Nothing kills the sex drive like closing your eyes to masturbate and picturing your husband riding an ugly fat bitch who talks like a 15 year old valley girl and gets passed around like a mo-ped at a fraternity house.  My poor tools got shelved.  I tried.  Trust me, I tried.  And tried.  And tried to get even the slightest little fun out of it.  All I could think was that line from the old Greenday song “when masturbation’s lost its fun, you’re fucking lazy”.  Mother fucker!

After a few months of frustration building up I was ready to join the penguins and never have sex again.  Um … in case you missed that, penguins = nuns.  Don’t be offended.  Okay be offended, whatever.

Que a sexy South American man.  Oh yeah.  I said it, not Globe Trotter!  Who woulda thunk it?!?  The last few nap times and nights have been full of fun and games with my tools of the trade and thoughts of tanned hands running up and down my skin.  I got it back, the click click of the mouse and the boom that comes after it!  No thoughts of my cheating d-bag riding the hose beast like a cowboy runnin’ from the law!  I got my partial groove back … now lets just get some live meat in my bed!