Sexting Mad Libs

Yeah, the rumor is that I’m wearing the BDT for um, certain activities conducted over a weekend trip with The Geocacher. What happens at The Courtyard Marriott stays there, but with some imagination you can fill in the gaps with Sexting Madlibs!

You remember Mad Libs from when you were a kid, right? One person supplies a word for each blank, and then the other person reads the completed conversation back. I wonder if yours will be as fun and dirty as our actual conversation!

Geocacher: I thought you might be miffed because I couldn’t _________________ (verb). But you had me pretty _____________ (adjective).

Sex Kitten: Of the two of us, I will take the _______________ (choose one: credit/blame) for ________________ (verb -ing). You were ________________ (adjective) and I didn’t feel ____________________ (adj) or __________________ (adj) at all.

Geocacher: There was a moment when I was glad you _______________ (past tense verb). But just imagine what we could do with _____________ (noun), ________________ (plural noun), and a __________________ (noun)! LOL!

Sex Kitten: So, favorite _____________________ (plural noun)?

Geocacher: One was when you __________________ (past tense verb) my _______________________ (body part).

Sex Kitten: I could have guessed that from your response!

Geocacher: The other was when you put my ______________________ (body part) in your ______________________ (body part). Unbelievable. I almost ______________________ (past tense verb) in my ____________________ (item of clothing).

Sex Kitten: Lucky man. You’ve met a girl who likes _______________________ (verb -ing). But I don’t care for _________________ (verb-ing). That has always seemed ___________________ (adj) to me.

Geocacher: I’ve never met a women who would let me ______________________ (verb) on her ____________________ (body part). The closest was __________________ (adj) ______________________ (noun), but that’s another story. LOL!

Sex Kitten: Well, think about it. Unless you like a girl to ___________________ (verb) on your _____________________ (body part) or something, it seems pretty _____________________ (adj) and ________________ (adj).

Geocacher: I understand. No ___________________ (verb-ing). And ___________________________ (verb-ing) is also off-limits! But you women have more ______________ (plural noun). Men just have ______________________ (noun).

Sex Kitten: Would you believe me if I told you I never ______________________ (past tense verb) or ________________ (past tense verb)?

Geocacher: Seriously? That’s not normal!

Sex Kitten: I’ve got to ________________________ (verb) now.

Geocacher: And I need a _____________________ (adj) ____________________ (noun) before I _______________ (verb).

Sex Kitten: I don’t envy you!

So, you like sexting, do you? Check out The Art of the Dick Pic, Funny Texts with Strangers, Texting 101 for Dating Men, and Best of: Texts Actually on my Phone Right Now

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

Ghosts of Dating Past

I had the weirdest experience on Wednesday. I was on my way to a date with a brand new guy, The Geocacher, when I stopped into a Starbucks to visit the little girl’s room. Who should be sitting out front on his laptop but Jose. The Bruiser. My first online dating conquest of this year, and not exactly a fond memory. I didn’t catch sight of him until it would have drawn more attention to stop and turn back than to keep walking. Shit, oh shit I hope he doesn’t look up!

But what am I afraid of? He’s not with a girl. I look great (all women know that this is the most important consideration when running into one’s exes!). We left it fine, no animosity, just discomfort when I broke up with him for reasons of um, sexual incompatibility.

He doesn’t see me. And I’m left to wonder why I am so rattled by this close encounter. And I answer myself: probably because I just left the house of one guy on my way to a first date with another, and seeing Jose is a further reminder of how many lives have intersected with mine this year without leaving a lasting imprint or anything of importance whatsoever. Kind of makes me feel insubstantial, forgettable, possibly just a figment of the imagination.

Jose is not a ghost, but I’m starting to feel like one.

Too real? Yeah… for me, too.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

You Are a Waste of Good Hair

The Geocacher of Best Date I Never Had fame is batting 1 for 3. After inviting me to go geocaching Sunday and then texting me Sunday night to say he never called because he was feeling sick Sunday morning (what, you had Can’t Pick Up The Phone-itis?!), he apologized profusely and set a dinner date for Wednesday night. We went out for sushi and had a good time… he is gregarious, worldly, funny, opinionated, and is a great story teller. He talked pretty much non-stop for the first ten minutes before pausing to take a breath to say, “Wow, you’re gorgeous. I mean, really gorgeous!” By the time I’d opened my mouth to say thank you, he was off and talking again. I chalked it up to him being nervous, and accepted when he asked me to come with him on an hour drive to a wine and beer supply shop (one of his his many fascinating hobbies is wine making) on Friday.

So Friday afternoon I showered, did my hair, picked out a cute but casual outfit and did a little bit of straightening (ie dishes out of the sink, clothes off the floor… I’m no Martha Stewart) in case he came in. I had an eye on the clock and when it was 4:30 and he’d told me the shop closes at 5:00, I knew I’d been stood up again! At 4:35 the phone rings and it’s him. He got hung up at work, he’s not permitted a cell phone at work, blah blah blah.

Do I have time for dinner? I find that I do not.

Am I busy this weekend? I find that I am.

Boys, let this be a lesson to you in GirlSpeak: if a girl doesn’t seem to have time for you, it’s not because she’s busy. You have Pissed. Her. Off.

Shape up, Geocacher!

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)