the first and last date

I’ve been the queen of One Hit Wonders and they are so frustrating. Even in my supreme efforts to vet each and every man prior to that first meeting I’ve been striking out lately. It all started with a guy I met about a year ago at a bar …

My coworker and I decided to bring our laptops to a local pub since our building lost power in a storm. Why not work and drink, right? We were chatting it up and I decided to ask her feedback on my online dating profile. A few beers later we were sending sassy messages to men and laughing very loudly at the bar. A rather cute man sat down next to me and asked what was so funny. I showed him our drunken shenanigans and he joined in too.

A few hours later I’d completely hit it off with this guy at the bar! It turned out that we were in the same career and had a lot in common. He was well-spoken, my age and from outside appearances, a GREAT guy. We met up a few times at the same bar over the next week and got to know each other more. We busily exchanged text messages and silly things via Facebook. But then I had to get my running shoes on …

One night in a drunken stupor [a week after we met] he proclaimed his love for me via text message at 2 AM. I actually said out loud “Are you fucking kidding me?” and ignored it. His perpetual “you are so beautiful” and “you have a perfect life” comments had already started wearing thin on me. I graciously accepted his compliments but yet held on to my imperfect sensibility and humble immortality – I’m not Barbie!

When I confronted the “love text” the next morning he had plenty of excuses for the behavior. I think then he realized he just created the opposite of what he intended. I’m not quite sure that I’d say I’m monogamy-impaired but I sure don’t want that noose squeezing me after a week of knowing the guy.

It happened again last week! I’m talking to a man and we get along GREAT. Yet before we even meet, he’s talking about how amazing I am and that he can’t believe I’m single … and how he wants to take a trip with me in October.  What the fuck dude?! What happened to dating and the elusive chase? The physical gestures and “I’m fucking you tonight” looks? He killed the first date before it even happened. I can’t fall for someone I’ve never met – just can’t do it.

Where have all the great guys gone?  Oh yeah, they are taken… or too far away … or just plain old American.

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie


Funny texts with strangers

Me: There’s 4 of us in this small house – it’s a zoo!
Him: Who are the 4?
Me: Dog, 2 cats and me – all girls!
Him: Sounds like u ladies may need a man around!
Me: Someone to keep us in line would be nice.
Him: That may be a hell of a task!
Me: 3 of the 4 are redheads. You’d have your work cut out for you.
Him: Wow. I like a challenge.
Me: I can be challenging but I guarantee it will be fun.
Him: It will be! Guaranteed!
Me: Is there fine print involved?
Him: No, just your standard 10-page dating agreement.
Me: Fabulous. Did I mention I’m really good at breaking rules and getting away with it?
Him: Well, under my agreement that behaviour is rewarded. I’m sure those sexy eyes have a lot to do with you getting away with stuff.
Me: Sounds like my kind of agreement. It’s usually my smile that breaks the rule.
Him: I better have my guard up. Who knows what I might be talked into doing.
Me: Nothing that you haven’t already talked yourself into. 🙂
Him: Good point.

He seems to have a good sense of humor for someone I’ve never met!


Texting 101 for Dating Men

The following are things he might say, and how you SHOULD respond.

A.) “I’m thinking about you now” = I have a total hard-on and I want you to come fix it.

B.) “What are you wearing?” = Even if you have dirty sweat pants and an oversize t-shirt on tell them something really good because they are horny as hell.

C.) “What are you doing right now?” = Of course you are “Thinking about you” and wearing something similar in your answer to B above, make it REALLY good and sexy.

D.) He sends you the quintessential dick pic with a message like “I want you right now baby” = No response is necessary. Dick pics are not attractive no matter how they are taken and men should know better. That’s really just a bad decision waiting to happen. Don’t end up wearing the BDT.


Best of: Texts Actually on my Phone Right Now

The following are excerpts from actual text conversations on my phone right now. I thought I might let some of The Boys speak in their own words. Which could be a good thing… or maybe not so much.


The Cinematographer: Hey hot sauce

Me: Hey sweet tea. Catch up on your sleep?

TC: yes ma’am, when can we meet up?

Me: Dinner tonight? Lunch tomorrow?

TC: problem is I work tonight & double shift tomorrow

Me: So tell me what works for you. Sunday?

TC: I have my last exam in my college career monday so need to reserve sunday to study

Me: So maybe I could buy you a drink to celebrate on Monday night?

TC: Sounds good

[Me, in my head: Why, WHY is scheduling a simple date like pulling teeth with some guys? Just tell me when & where you idiot! Do you think you’ll EVER get laid being such a milquetoast?! If I wanted to do this all by myself I’d get a vibrator and save on my phone bill. Sheesh.]

Want to get to know this one better? Yeah, join the club. But just like me, you’ll have to wait until Monday! UPDATE 8/28… still waiting… but you can learn more that you probably wanted to know about The Cinematographer in the post The Art of the Dick Pic.



Adam (The Baptist): I still haven’t picked which horror movie to make you watch yet.

Me: I am NEVER losing a bet to you again. You are enjoying this WAY too much!

Adam: Yeah, I know I will love your reactions unless you seriously start crying. You just have to remember: fear is fun!

Me: Aren’t good Christians supposed to show more compassion for their fellow man? Your behavior has got to be a sin of some kind.

Adam: I think there is something in the Bible about paying your debts.

Me: Darn! I knew I should have read it. But I think you’re doing a pretty selective interpretation there. Don’t they frown on gambling at all?

Adam: Ha… don’t gamble what you can’t pay. I would have paid if I had lost. But I didn’t… although it was too close. Scary close!

Me: What about pre-marital sex? How do you get out of that one? Thought the Bible was pretty clear on that one….

Adam: Hmmm

[Me, in my head: You better clear that up pretty damn quick, my friend! ‘Cause there’s only one time an atheist calls on God, and I’m thinkin’ I’d like your help with that sometime soon….]

Want to get to know this one better? Check back soon for an upcoming profile on THE BAPTIST.  I also talk about Adam in the posts My Own Worst Enemy, The Games We Play, and The BDT Weekend.



Chris (The Unattainable): Thanks again for calling last week. It means so much to me that such an incredibly sweet and lovely girl is concerned about me. I can’t help but look forward to seeing your smile again.

Me: I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I miss you terribly, but I want you to be happy more than I want you.

Chris: Stop it! Someone so damn foxy is prohibited from also being so generous. You’re making other hot girls look really, really bad.

Me: Hot girls aren’t used to rejection. We just can’t believe it unless you really spell it out. It would make this a lot easier for me if you could please be more of an asshole.

Chris: Agreed. I’ll be a supreme douchebag, if you’ll ugly it up. I wish I could do something for you, darlin’.

Me: You have. For better or worse, I’ve discovered a capacity for attachment I didn’t realize that I had. I’m not sure why, I mean you’re great, but that doesn’t totally explain why I’m so crazy about you. So… just by being you, you have taught me something about myself that I am glad to know.

Chris: Wow. I’m so selfish to enjoy hearing that from you.

Me:  I’m more courageous than I gave myself credit for: I’m not afraid to feel for someone or express those feelings. Even when I know I can’t have what I want. None of this comes with an implied obligation, either. I just want to tell you the full truth.

Chris: That’s not an easy thing to do. And I only feel obliged to worship you, that’s all. Oh, and for the record… your lips must be enchanted by magical love gnomes, because you are an amazing smoocher.

Me: Um, yeah… you didn’t notice that our first kiss ended up lasting like half an hour? I get flashbacks. It’s like PTSD without the downsides.

Chris: Me too. Whoever taught you to kiss deserves a mountain in his name.

[Me, in my head: Then why, WHY don’t you love me? How can you be so nice to me and not love me? How can I be so pathetic? HOW CAN I BE THIS PATHETIC over some geeky guy?!!]

Want to get to know this one better? See the post Profile: The Unattainable.



The Soldier: Hey there, this is your Prince Charming!

Me: You’re going to have to be more specific….

TS: Ouch. So r u a party girl?

Me: It’s actually really funny that I’ve given you that impression. I’m the opposite of a party girl.

TS: yeah, yeah, I bet u are just playing little miss innocent, but have this crazy wild side

Me: Well, there is an officer on your base that knows all the dirt on me….

TS: I’m concerned now. U sound like trouble.

Me: They say if you go looking for trouble, you will find it!

TS: Want to meet me at my place tomorrow?

Me: Now you’re getting ahead of yourself. I mean I did warn you I’m smart, right? Or did I just mention funny and cute? ‘Cause smart girls meet first dates in a public place.

TS: I was planning on a nice dinner downtown. Tell me, will I get bonus points with you if I wear cowboy boots?

[Me, in my head: Buddy, it’s going to take more than cowboy boots to help you at this point. Is it too early to start regretting this date?]

Want to get to know this one better? He was a ONE DATE WONDER. Check back soon for an entry on the men who never made it past the first date, including this one THE SOLDIER.


That’s all for now!  ~ Sex Kitten (with claws)