the first and last date

I’ve been the queen of One Hit Wonders and they are so frustrating. Even in my supreme efforts to vet each and every man prior to that first meeting I’ve been striking out lately. It all started with a guy I met about a year ago at a bar …

My coworker and I decided to bring our laptops to a local pub since our building lost power in a storm. Why not work and drink, right? We were chatting it up and I decided to ask her feedback on my online dating profile. A few beers later we were sending sassy messages to men and laughing very loudly at the bar. A rather cute man sat down next to me and asked what was so funny. I showed him our drunken shenanigans and he joined in too.

A few hours later I’d completely hit it off with this guy at the bar! It turned out that we were in the same career and had a lot in common. He was well-spoken, my age and from outside appearances, a GREAT guy. We met up a few times at the same bar over the next week and got to know each other more. We busily exchanged text messages and silly things via Facebook. But then I had to get my running shoes on …

One night in a drunken stupor [a week after we met] he proclaimed his love for me via text message at 2 AM. I actually said out loud “Are you fucking kidding me?” and ignored it. His perpetual “you are so beautiful” and “you have a perfect life” comments had already started wearing thin on me. I graciously accepted his compliments but yet held on to my imperfect sensibility and humble immortality – I’m not Barbie!

When I confronted the “love text” the next morning he had plenty of excuses for the behavior. I think then he realized he just created the opposite of what he intended. I’m not quite sure that I’d say I’m monogamy-impaired but I sure don’t want that noose squeezing me after a week of knowing the guy.

It happened again last week! I’m talking to a man and we get along GREAT. Yet before we even meet, he’s talking about how amazing I am and that he can’t believe I’m single … and how he wants to take a trip with me in October.  What the fuck dude?! What happened to dating and the elusive chase? The physical gestures and “I’m fucking you tonight” looks? He killed the first date before it even happened. I can’t fall for someone I’ve never met – just can’t do it.

Where have all the great guys gone?  Oh yeah, they are taken… or too far away … or just plain old American.

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie

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Here’s one you can sing along to

(As sung to the tune of 12 Days of Christmas)

“On the 12th day of no communication, my lover said to me …”

Seriously? 12 days after our date PB&H writes:  “Sorry for the delayed response. I hope you are doing well. I really enjoyed the kiss we shared last time and hope it won’t be the last.”

Are you kidding me? Sorry buddy but you haven’t crossed my mind much and I got more tongue from my 2nd grade “crush” than I did from you on the 2nd date. Good luck with that purse fetish.

~GTiL

Cure for Hump Day Blues

Globe Trotter in Lingerie: How are you?

Sex Kitten: I think I caught your deep blue funk. How’re you?

GTiL: Wine, chocolate, and a good love story 🙂

SK: Hot Damn, girl! That’s how you are?! Or that’s your prescription for the blues?

GTiL: That’s your cure LOL

SK: Nah, I’m self-medicating… Italian & an Italian. Geocacher is taking me out to dinner tonight.

GTiL: Yum! In pursuit of my current circumstances, I’ve decided to be an ‘Evil Maiden’ for Halloween.

SK: So, what, you’re not dressing up? Lame.

GTiL: Bite me.

SK: That’s what he said….

Globe Trotter in Lingerie, every girl should be lucky enough to have a friend like you! 🙂

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

Sexting Mad Libs

Yeah, the rumor is that I’m wearing the BDT for um, certain activities conducted over a weekend trip with The Geocacher. What happens at The Courtyard Marriott stays there, but with some imagination you can fill in the gaps with Sexting Madlibs!

You remember Mad Libs from when you were a kid, right? One person supplies a word for each blank, and then the other person reads the completed conversation back. I wonder if yours will be as fun and dirty as our actual conversation!

Geocacher: I thought you might be miffed because I couldn’t _________________ (verb). But you had me pretty _____________ (adjective).

Sex Kitten: Of the two of us, I will take the _______________ (choose one: credit/blame) for ________________ (verb -ing). You were ________________ (adjective) and I didn’t feel ____________________ (adj) or __________________ (adj) at all.

Geocacher: There was a moment when I was glad you _______________ (past tense verb). But just imagine what we could do with _____________ (noun), ________________ (plural noun), and a __________________ (noun)! LOL!

Sex Kitten: So, favorite _____________________ (plural noun)?

Geocacher: One was when you __________________ (past tense verb) my _______________________ (body part).

Sex Kitten: I could have guessed that from your response!

Geocacher: The other was when you put my ______________________ (body part) in your ______________________ (body part). Unbelievable. I almost ______________________ (past tense verb) in my ____________________ (item of clothing).

Sex Kitten: Lucky man. You’ve met a girl who likes _______________________ (verb -ing). But I don’t care for _________________ (verb-ing). That has always seemed ___________________ (adj) to me.

Geocacher: I’ve never met a women who would let me ______________________ (verb) on her ____________________ (body part). The closest was __________________ (adj) ______________________ (noun), but that’s another story. LOL!

Sex Kitten: Well, think about it. Unless you like a girl to ___________________ (verb) on your _____________________ (body part) or something, it seems pretty _____________________ (adj) and ________________ (adj).

Geocacher: I understand. No ___________________ (verb-ing). And ___________________________ (verb-ing) is also off-limits! But you women have more ______________ (plural noun). Men just have ______________________ (noun).

Sex Kitten: Would you believe me if I told you I never ______________________ (past tense verb) or ________________ (past tense verb)?

Geocacher: Seriously? That’s not normal!

Sex Kitten: I’ve got to ________________________ (verb) now.

Geocacher: And I need a _____________________ (adj) ____________________ (noun) before I _______________ (verb).

Sex Kitten: I don’t envy you!

So, you like sexting, do you? Check out The Art of the Dick Pic, Funny Texts with Strangers, Texting 101 for Dating Men, and Best of: Texts Actually on my Phone Right Now

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

There’s no lame pick-up line for this one

I just had a pretty memorable first date with guy that had me laughing and entertained the entire time. I found him online at one of the typical dating sites. We met up at a cheesy small-town festival with oodles of heart-attack-inducing fried foods and music from a cover band with members that all looked like they were going through their second mid-life crisis.

I really love the heart-pounding excitement of seeing a person’s face for the first time when you already know a bit about them. It’s nothing like seeing someone in a bar, coffee-shop or the local store. I already knew he met the typical credentials on my list, but it’s refreshing to be attracted to them and already know you have a shot of falling for them.

He’s all boy. He looked at my titties right away. I honestly can’t blame him and that’s a nice way to know he’s not a prude. We’d done our share of flirting via text prior to the date so I already knew he had a good sense of humor.

The festival was a total bore so we set out in his vehicle to a “place” that he had up his sleeve. Was this a potential “lets make out like high-schoolers” kind of thing? Yup, it sure was! It was secluded, quiet and we sat and listened to music while we got to know each other a bit more.

As soon as it got dark we got out of the car and danced under the stars to his music. He’d been planning revenge on me until this time for being 17 minutes late for our date. My “punishment” was him pushing me up against the car and kissing me — I like him already!

So we made out like high-schoolers under the stars, until we got cold and feasted-on by mosquitoes. I’m officially calling him The Boob Man because he’s got an amazing sex drive and could not keep his hands off me. A few indicators in the conversation gave me the idea that he’s into some kinky stuff so this might be just my kind of adventure! One thing that threw me off a little was that he loves giving oral sex but is not that into receiving it. WTF? I’m scratching my head on that one.

He’s not a foreigner but he has an accent from another state … does that qualify just a little? Bring it on Boob Man!

~GTiL

p.s. He’s a GREAT kisser too!  🙂

Texting 101 for Dating Men

The following are things he might say, and how you SHOULD respond.

A.) “I’m thinking about you now” = I have a total hard-on and I want you to come fix it.

B.) “What are you wearing?” = Even if you have dirty sweat pants and an oversize t-shirt on tell them something really good because they are horny as hell.

C.) “What are you doing right now?” = Of course you are “Thinking about you” and wearing something similar in your answer to B above, make it REALLY good and sexy.

D.) He sends you the quintessential dick pic with a message like “I want you right now baby” = No response is necessary. Dick pics are not attractive no matter how they are taken and men should know better. That’s really just a bad decision waiting to happen. Don’t end up wearing the BDT.

~GTiL

It’s all about sex

At what point do we realize that it’s all just about sex? And does that really matter?

I was recently traveling for a wedding and noticed the most beautiful man sitting near me at the airport. I’m not talking “oh he’s nice looking” I’m talking “I want to rip your clothes off in public” gorgeous. He belongs on a centerfold of Playgirl. Dark skin, full head of hair and a very grabable ass.

We landed for our connecting flight and he appeared out of nowhere next to me and said “You are beautiful!”. I think I could not move my feet or speak for at least 10 seconds. I somehow managed a “thank you”, determined he was traveling to see his family but lived in my town, and gave him my business card.

Two weeks later Airport Man started emailing me and sent me the quintessential “dick pic”. The guy was horny as hell and hung like a horse. My kind of guy! We planned dinner for a Friday night but the furthest we got was my bedroom. Airport Man can fuck like no other. He’s so talented he could probably get me off with both hands tied behind his back … hmmm that gives me an idea.

I digress … the part I find hilarious and well-schooled is that he keeps saying “It’s not about the sex” and that he wants to get to know me. Why can’t it be about sex? Please?  He’s really religious, doesn’t have a job right now, he doesn’t drink and he listens to classical music. Four huge deal breakers. How do I explain my disdain for organized religion? My addiction to rum? Or Nine Inch Nails screaming “I want to fuck you like an animal” out of my CD player in the car?  I don’t want or need him to look after me or comfort me. I just want his glorious, non-American, dark-skinned body in my bed.

I need to hang out in airports more often.

~GTiL

Profile: The Buddy

Guy left my life abruptly on July 11th. He was moving back to his home state of New York and he told me two days before his move.  He told me he anticipated getting back into the dark and glamorous gang life he had left behind years ago. He said he didn’t want me exposed to him in that context, which is why he was shutting off his phone and wouldn’t be in contact anymore.

I would have been really alarmed by all of this… if I believed it.

The thing about boys–even wicked smart boys like Guy–is that they tell really stupid lies. I’ve had a boy tell me he had gotten addicted to cocaine and then beat it, because he thought I might get back together with him. Another boy told me he had had two one-night stands because he didn’t want me to know he was a virgin. My college boyfriend told me he loved me… but we’ve all heard that one, right?

In Guy’s case, I suspect that the truth was much simpler: he did not want me in his life anymore because we were just friends and he wanted more. I know the second part of that statement is true because he told me so multiple times. The only part I’m guessing at is that he lied about moving as a last ditch effort to see if I would ask him to stay for me. I didn’t.

I do miss him, though. We talked almost every day and hung out several times a month from March to July. I’d never had a male friend with whom I could talk about dating, and we had some fabulously graphic conversations about sex. We also loved bashing online dating, since we originally met on a dating website. Here Guy decodes for me what men say online versus what they actually mean:

Me: My pet peeve is how many guys write “I’m just a laid-back guy who loves to laugh and have fun.”

Guy: He means have sex and giggle when he tells his friends the next day.

Me: “I don’t want drama & I treat my woman like a queen.”

Guy: He has baby mommas and wants to stay off child support. Baby mommas are the only drama guys have. If she’s just crazy, we’ll dump her.

Me: “What do you want to know, I’m just me. I’m totally unique. Whatever you want to know just ask.”

Guy: The first and last parts are legit. Turn the middle part into “I live with my mother still and quote Harry Potter and Star Trek at will.”

We also traded online dating horror stories and we agreed to tie for top honors. His was that a girl who saw his photo online holding his dog began calling him and it turned out that she was more interested in the dog. Yeah, that way. Mine was a guy who had knocked his two front teeth out with a chainsaw and was writing a pseudo-scientific treatise on how African Americans are subhuman. Thank god neither of us actually had to meet these losers before the bombshell dropped.

I am really grateful to Guy for helping me recover from a bad three week relationship with the first man I met online, Jose. He also gave me some really wonderful advice about my infatuation with Chris. Which was very generous of him given that he felt for me what I felt for Chris: unreturned (can I bring myself to say it?) love.

In the end, Guy was the braver of the two of us, even if he did lie. He followed his own wise advice to me much sooner than I was able to take it. His advice was to:

1.) Tell the person how you feel, regardless of how you know they will respond. Do it for yourself, for the sake of being honest with yourself.

2.) Let it go, let it go, let it go.

So I do not begrudge Guy his lie, if that’s what it was. I’m still struggling with part two myself.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

Best of: Texts Actually on my Phone Right Now

The following are excerpts from actual text conversations on my phone right now. I thought I might let some of The Boys speak in their own words. Which could be a good thing… or maybe not so much.

TODAY

The Cinematographer: Hey hot sauce

Me: Hey sweet tea. Catch up on your sleep?

TC: yes ma’am, when can we meet up?

Me: Dinner tonight? Lunch tomorrow?

TC: problem is I work tonight & double shift tomorrow

Me: So tell me what works for you. Sunday?

TC: I have my last exam in my college career monday so need to reserve sunday to study

Me: So maybe I could buy you a drink to celebrate on Monday night?

TC: Sounds good

[Me, in my head: Why, WHY is scheduling a simple date like pulling teeth with some guys? Just tell me when & where you idiot! Do you think you’ll EVER get laid being such a milquetoast?! If I wanted to do this all by myself I’d get a vibrator and save on my phone bill. Sheesh.]

Want to get to know this one better? Yeah, join the club. But just like me, you’ll have to wait until Monday! UPDATE 8/28… still waiting… but you can learn more that you probably wanted to know about The Cinematographer in the post The Art of the Dick Pic.

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LAST WEEK

Adam (The Baptist): I still haven’t picked which horror movie to make you watch yet.

Me: I am NEVER losing a bet to you again. You are enjoying this WAY too much!

Adam: Yeah, I know I will love your reactions unless you seriously start crying. You just have to remember: fear is fun!

Me: Aren’t good Christians supposed to show more compassion for their fellow man? Your behavior has got to be a sin of some kind.

Adam: I think there is something in the Bible about paying your debts.

Me: Darn! I knew I should have read it. But I think you’re doing a pretty selective interpretation there. Don’t they frown on gambling at all?

Adam: Ha… don’t gamble what you can’t pay. I would have paid if I had lost. But I didn’t… although it was too close. Scary close!

Me: What about pre-marital sex? How do you get out of that one? Thought the Bible was pretty clear on that one….

Adam: Hmmm

[Me, in my head: You better clear that up pretty damn quick, my friend! ‘Cause there’s only one time an atheist calls on God, and I’m thinkin’ I’d like your help with that sometime soon….]

Want to get to know this one better? Check back soon for an upcoming profile on THE BAPTIST.  I also talk about Adam in the posts My Own Worst Enemy, The Games We Play, and The BDT Weekend.

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WEEK BEFORE LAST

Chris (The Unattainable): Thanks again for calling last week. It means so much to me that such an incredibly sweet and lovely girl is concerned about me. I can’t help but look forward to seeing your smile again.

Me: I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I miss you terribly, but I want you to be happy more than I want you.

Chris: Stop it! Someone so damn foxy is prohibited from also being so generous. You’re making other hot girls look really, really bad.

Me: Hot girls aren’t used to rejection. We just can’t believe it unless you really spell it out. It would make this a lot easier for me if you could please be more of an asshole.

Chris: Agreed. I’ll be a supreme douchebag, if you’ll ugly it up. I wish I could do something for you, darlin’.

Me: You have. For better or worse, I’ve discovered a capacity for attachment I didn’t realize that I had. I’m not sure why, I mean you’re great, but that doesn’t totally explain why I’m so crazy about you. So… just by being you, you have taught me something about myself that I am glad to know.

Chris: Wow. I’m so selfish to enjoy hearing that from you.

Me:  I’m more courageous than I gave myself credit for: I’m not afraid to feel for someone or express those feelings. Even when I know I can’t have what I want. None of this comes with an implied obligation, either. I just want to tell you the full truth.

Chris: That’s not an easy thing to do. And I only feel obliged to worship you, that’s all. Oh, and for the record… your lips must be enchanted by magical love gnomes, because you are an amazing smoocher.

Me: Um, yeah… you didn’t notice that our first kiss ended up lasting like half an hour? I get flashbacks. It’s like PTSD without the downsides.

Chris: Me too. Whoever taught you to kiss deserves a mountain in his name.

[Me, in my head: Then why, WHY don’t you love me? How can you be so nice to me and not love me? How can I be so pathetic? HOW CAN I BE THIS PATHETIC over some geeky guy?!!]

Want to get to know this one better? See the post Profile: The Unattainable.

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WEEK BEFORE LAST

The Soldier: Hey there, this is your Prince Charming!

Me: You’re going to have to be more specific….

TS: Ouch. So r u a party girl?

Me: It’s actually really funny that I’ve given you that impression. I’m the opposite of a party girl.

TS: yeah, yeah, I bet u are just playing little miss innocent, but have this crazy wild side

Me: Well, there is an officer on your base that knows all the dirt on me….

TS: I’m concerned now. U sound like trouble.

Me: They say if you go looking for trouble, you will find it!

TS: Want to meet me at my place tomorrow?

Me: Now you’re getting ahead of yourself. I mean I did warn you I’m smart, right? Or did I just mention funny and cute? ‘Cause smart girls meet first dates in a public place.

TS: I was planning on a nice dinner downtown. Tell me, will I get bonus points with you if I wear cowboy boots?

[Me, in my head: Buddy, it’s going to take more than cowboy boots to help you at this point. Is it too early to start regretting this date?]

Want to get to know this one better? He was a ONE DATE WONDER. Check back soon for an entry on the men who never made it past the first date, including this one THE SOLDIER.

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That’s all for now!  ~ Sex Kitten (with claws)