In honor of St. Patrick’s Day we have a Lucky Charms marshmallow sex quiz:
You’re a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don’t take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with you.
Your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you’ll get later. “If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?” is probably what’s going through your mind.
You expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves having a good time.
You’re the romantic type. You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear and, if he’s too distracted to form coherent phrases, you’ll settle for romantic syllables.
Your tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs, chains, swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes–she’s likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you’re not looking and who knows what could happen next?
You’re more interested in satisfying your partner’s needs than your own. You prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and express her needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to tie them up and ravish them.
Those little oat bits that aren’t marshmallows at all:
You probably don’t like sex anyway and don’t need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference desk, or government employees; these people like to chow down on a big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting suggestive lyrics in rock music.
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It’s Cool Whip time!
4. If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
5. That’s one terrific spread!
6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up!
I mean really, come on! The Boob Man said in no uncertain terms on our first and second dates that he was very much into giving but not receiving when it came to oral sex. I made a mental note of it but pushed to the side for more immediate and relevant matters. But then I had a light bulb moment … he expressed quite an urgency for it to be dark as soon as we started being intimate. And then I found my way to his penis. His size AA battery penis to be exact. Oh good grief he was tiny. I’m surely willing to work with things that are aroused and hard but this was a piece of over-cooked penne pasta in my fingers. Ugh! That was the end of that and I haven’t heard from him since. I love sex jokes … but not when the joke is on me!
“The Chicken and the Egg are lying in bed together. The Chicken has a big satisfied smile on its face and is smoking a cigarette. The Egg looks over, scowling, and says “Well, I guess now we know the answer to THAT question.”
My cousin told that joke at her wedding. I have a strange family.
~ Sex Kitten (with claws)
A Chicken and a Horse are best friends. One day they are strolling around the farm together when the horse falls into a deep pit. “Help!” he cries to the Chicken, “Go get the farmer to get me out of here!”
The Chicken runs back to the farm house, but the farmer isn’t at home. His brand new Porsche is sitting in the driveway with the keys in the ignition, which gives the Chicken an idea. He gets into the Porsche, drives to the pit, and ties one end of the rope to the Porsche and the other end around the Horse. Then the Chicken revs up the Porsche and uses it to haul the horse up and out of the pit. “Thanks buddy,” says the Horse, “I owe you one!”
The very next day, the two are walking together past the pit again, and this time the Chicken falls in. “Quick!” he squawks, “Go get the Porsche and pull me out!”
“No no no no,” replies the Horse, “Not necessary.” He straddles the pit with all four legs. Now, horses are known for being extremely well endowed, and so he lowers that part of his anatomy down into the pit and tells the Chicken to grab hold. Without further ado, the Horse reels the Chicken back up and saves the day.
The moral of this story? If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Porsche to pick up chicks.
~ Sex Kitten (with claws)
My new favorite pick-up line…
“You like raisens?”
[person answers yes or no.]
“Then how about a date?”
Which replaces my previous favorite pick-up line…
“Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?”
I hope this says volumes about how my dating techniques have improved.
~ Sex Kitten (with claws)