Evolution of online dating

It’s funny how my online dating experiences have evolved and I also see it in other profiles.

There’s that guy that is so possessive of himself that he gives off this giant “chip on the shoulder” attitude in his profile. He’s so adamant about a woman not “changing” him that he just puts it all out there. He’s the “I burp, I fart, I don’t have a job, I live with my mother and I don’t care what the fuck you think” kind of guy. I’m glad he’s confident in himself but I can’t imagine him ever giving a shit about me enough to even go on a date with that kind of attitude. What’s the point of even having a profile if you just want to be with yourself?

I consistently see folks that write “no drama and no games” in their profiles. How realistic and likely is this? Just because they met someone and fell for them hard and then got their heart broken they have now labeled it as a “game”? Perhaps the other person just didn’t see the world like they do and was unable to return the same feelings, emotions or physical connection. What is wrong with that?

Why would you WANT to be with someone that did not feel the same about you? Breaking up is hard but a necessity at that point – hearts mend over time. Don’t get mad because someone isn’t “right” for you.

The most boring clichés of online profiles:
– I’m laid back
– I’m easy-going
– I work hard and play hard too
– I don’t want drama or games
– I have a great sense of humor
– I’ve never done this before and I’m “just looking”

And then there’s the quintessential bathroom self-portrait … those just kill me. At least meeting people in bars was social interaction, with this online stuff I feel like I’m only getting lucky with my computer screen.

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie

Naughty Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It’s Cool Whip time!
4. If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
5. That’s one terrific spread!
6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up!

My advice to men for online dating profiles

“I’m open to anyone” means you just want to get laid. Which is fine, that’s what most of us want in a relationship too, but for real buddy, have some standards.

Put some effort into your photos. Get a haircut, comb it and put some decent clothes on (that fit you) and then get a friend to take the shot. It’s not news to your friend you are single and they probably want you to get laid as much as you do. Do not take a photo of you sitting in your car or in the mirror of the Burger King bathroom. Have some standards. And for the sake of all women (and men) out there, keep your shirt on!

Smile in the picture … don’t scowl as if you’ve just been arrested. It’s really unattractive.

Don’t use photos of you hanging out at a bar with two hot chicks on either side of you … unless I’m one of the chicks it’s unimpressive.

Don’t type in ALL CAPS, no caps or without punctuation. I don’t care if you are on your “smart” phone … it’s clearly smarter than you at this point. And yes, grammar and spelling counts too.

Avoid the ridiculous clichés of “I’m a glass half full kinda guy” or “I’m gonna treat you like my queen” and “I’m not into playing games” and the classic “I’m a nice guy looking for a nice girl”. It’s all fucking boring and overused.

Your profile really is the first impression of who you are. If it’s short and impersonal it’s likely you will be overlooked and ignored. Be creative and have fun with it!

Good luck to you, it’s a jungle out there!

~GTiL

PB & H

I’m not sure where to start with the oddity of this man. He’s a Puerto Rican, ex-Marine, twice-divorced, Atheist that grew up in the Bronx and is now a Hairdresser in a small town. It’s not a bad combination, he’s a ton of fun, so I’m dubbing him PB & H. One of my favorite sandwiches as a little girl was peanut butter and honey (NOT jelly or jam) on bread. Cut crossways of course.

He’s one of the most clean-cut men I’ve met and he is very aware of fashion, appearances and everything that usually is associated with a woman’s way of thinking. He feels that he is a woman mentally displaced in a man’s body but he’s very attracted to women. This is the kind of guy that will go shopping for bags, shoes, dresses and read Cosmo with you. It is a bit creepy for me. I’m more into manly men.

He’s peanut butter because he makes you “stick” to him. It’s really hard not to like this guy. He’s well-spoken, educated, very adorable and has a crass sense of humor. I could spend hours with him and never get bored. He’s honey because he’s as sweet as the day is long. He cries during sad or traumatic parts of movies and I truly think he would treat the right woman like a total princess and let her rule his world.

As much as I loved my PB & H sandwiches as a child, I grew up and moved on. He admitted that he cheated on both his wives, does not believe in marriage and does not actually want to be in a relationship, but he doesn’t seem to want the casual sex thing either. He does not believe people can actually fall in love and he really does not enjoy physical contact and lacks compassion. I think I feel sorry for his Ex’s!  I believe the first date with this one is also the last. I have not struck out in a long time so I’m back to the bench and rethinking my strategy.

~GTiL

There’s no lame pick-up line for this one

I just had a pretty memorable first date with guy that had me laughing and entertained the entire time. I found him online at one of the typical dating sites. We met up at a cheesy small-town festival with oodles of heart-attack-inducing fried foods and music from a cover band with members that all looked like they were going through their second mid-life crisis.

I really love the heart-pounding excitement of seeing a person’s face for the first time when you already know a bit about them. It’s nothing like seeing someone in a bar, coffee-shop or the local store. I already knew he met the typical credentials on my list, but it’s refreshing to be attracted to them and already know you have a shot of falling for them.

He’s all boy. He looked at my titties right away. I honestly can’t blame him and that’s a nice way to know he’s not a prude. We’d done our share of flirting via text prior to the date so I already knew he had a good sense of humor.

The festival was a total bore so we set out in his vehicle to a “place” that he had up his sleeve. Was this a potential “lets make out like high-schoolers” kind of thing? Yup, it sure was! It was secluded, quiet and we sat and listened to music while we got to know each other a bit more.

As soon as it got dark we got out of the car and danced under the stars to his music. He’d been planning revenge on me until this time for being 17 minutes late for our date. My “punishment” was him pushing me up against the car and kissing me — I like him already!

So we made out like high-schoolers under the stars, until we got cold and feasted-on by mosquitoes. I’m officially calling him The Boob Man because he’s got an amazing sex drive and could not keep his hands off me. A few indicators in the conversation gave me the idea that he’s into some kinky stuff so this might be just my kind of adventure! One thing that threw me off a little was that he loves giving oral sex but is not that into receiving it. WTF? I’m scratching my head on that one.

He’s not a foreigner but he has an accent from another state … does that qualify just a little? Bring it on Boob Man!

~GTiL

p.s. He’s a GREAT kisser too!  🙂

I went to France for the weekend

I was “set up” with a French man by a friend. I was pretty skeptical at first but decided to give it a whirl. She said he was a really great guy and she was right! He has the tall, dark and handsome thing going for him and I swear I could kiss him for hours – and I did.

He’s incredibly athletic – he runs, plays tennis, mountain bikes and swims. All great qualities for being really great in bed. He has the natural body of a tri-athlete without even trying. Did I mention he’s a great kisser?

I’ve never had anyone touch me the way he does, it turns me on in ways I can’t even describe. He will run his fingertips all over my body in ways that make me want scream with pleasure. He can bring every sense in my body to attention in seconds. And everything sounds so much sweeter when he says it in French. At first I thought he didn’t really know his way around the playing field of a woman’s body but he’s learned a lot about me and what I like over the past year. And did I mention he’s a great kisser?

He’s been my guiltless pleasure for the past two years. He’s super fun to travel with and has the same sarcastic sense of humor that I have. The way he looks at me from across the table at dinner makes my heart melt. I think we both have very strong feelings for each other, and in some shape or form really do love each other, but we will never admit it. I wish he would stay and get his Green Card because he’s a great kisser.

He’s made it clear that he doesn’t like hearing about me being with other men, but yet we both know making a commitment to each other is unlikely. We did make a promise to each other that we will continue having fun together until something changes – Which is my kind of compromise! One of our favorite places to go is the beach. I’ve put it on my love bucket list to have sex with him at some point while on a beach. I’d love it just for the memory.

And he’s a fabulous kisser.

~ GTiL