the first and last date

I’ve been the queen of One Hit Wonders and they are so frustrating. Even in my supreme efforts to vet each and every man prior to that first meeting I’ve been striking out lately. It all started with a guy I met about a year ago at a bar …

My coworker and I decided to bring our laptops to a local pub since our building lost power in a storm. Why not work and drink, right? We were chatting it up and I decided to ask her feedback on my online dating profile. A few beers later we were sending sassy messages to men and laughing very loudly at the bar. A rather cute man sat down next to me and asked what was so funny. I showed him our drunken shenanigans and he joined in too.

A few hours later I’d completely hit it off with this guy at the bar! It turned out that we were in the same career and had a lot in common. He was well-spoken, my age and from outside appearances, a GREAT guy. We met up a few times at the same bar over the next week and got to know each other more. We busily exchanged text messages and silly things via Facebook. But then I had to get my running shoes on …

One night in a drunken stupor [a week after we met] he proclaimed his love for me via text message at 2 AM. I actually said out loud “Are you fucking kidding me?” and ignored it. His perpetual “you are so beautiful” and “you have a perfect life” comments had already started wearing thin on me. I graciously accepted his compliments but yet held on to my imperfect sensibility and humble immortality – I’m not Barbie!

When I confronted the “love text” the next morning he had plenty of excuses for the behavior. I think then he realized he just created the opposite of what he intended. I’m not quite sure that I’d say I’m monogamy-impaired but I sure don’t want that noose squeezing me after a week of knowing the guy.

It happened again last week! I’m talking to a man and we get along GREAT. Yet before we even meet, he’s talking about how amazing I am and that he can’t believe I’m single … and how he wants to take a trip with me in October.  What the fuck dude?! What happened to dating and the elusive chase? The physical gestures and “I’m fucking you tonight” looks? He killed the first date before it even happened. I can’t fall for someone I’ve never met – just can’t do it.

Where have all the great guys gone?  Oh yeah, they are taken… or too far away … or just plain old American.

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie

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The hammer never hit the nail

Playing the dating game on the internet can be a ton of fun and allows for more variety than running into someone on the street, but it sure makes the vetting process a bitch. After getting through all the usual lifestyle preference questions, The Latino Bull and I realized we might be a good match – The reason for the nickname is forthcoming. I thought it would be a super fun encounter and I hate missed opportunities so we made plans to meet.

The Latino Bull  is a few years older than me. He has the typical “dark” Latino look; a great, open and honest personality and whit that I really enjoy. He has a super sexy voice and a great smile. I need to be attracted to “personality” of someone in order to be attracted to them physically. The Frenchie is a good example of this … not a “10” in attraction but I adore everything about him on the inside – and he’s one of the best lovers I’ve ever been with. The Latino Bull is not a “10” but I was thinking positive at this point – we can always do things doggie style, right?

The Latino Bull was a really below-average lover – I could not fucking believe it. He’s not a very creative kisser and did not seem like much of a boob man, which is a letdown for me. I love touching, teasing, kissing and licking and he’s just too dry and business-like for me. It was as if he had a fucking catcher’s mitt on his hand. He seems completely unaware of female anatomy – how does this happen? My vagina was the “china shop” and he was The Latino Bull. He has the tools but doesn’t know how to use them! It made me think of this quote:

“Many hammer all over the wall and believe that with each blow they hit the nail on the head.”

He missed the mark for sure. Send that man back to Female Anatomy 101! For his own sake, as well as all his future lovers. This one hits the One Date Wonders list for sure. This one might even be remembered as The Great Latino Letdown of 2011. Pass the tequila please!

~Globe Trotter in Lingerie

Accepting truth and blowing off the hints

I have a lot of catching-up to do here. First off, Sex Kitten is right, I did hear from Airport Man via email. He said he’s been in Afghanistan but should be back in March and wants to come and see me – and of course he “thinks about me all the time”. Is there some sort of play-book here he’s writing from? I mean really, he must be horny at hell at this point. And then he signs off by saying “Have you thought about me from time to time?” Hmmmm … does thinking about his large throbbing dick count? That’s all I can remember right now … the licking, and kissing, and hot-as-hell sex. And it all just makes me super horny!

But the truth is, Airport Man is just not the guy for me. No matter how much my throbbing desires try to persuade me.

It’s gonna be a dry-spell kind of holiday … bring on the New Year!

~Globe Trotter in Lingerie

Guys that Can’t Take the Hint

Globe Trotter in Lingerie told me that Airport Man just sent her an e-mail (maybe she’ll let you in on what it said, don’t ask me, I don’t know!). Last week Geocacher invited me to a work party after minimal contact by text message since our date on Halloween. What is up with these guys that won’t take a hint?

I went on a date with a Nice Guy this June. He was a One Date Wonder but so into me after the first date that he sent me one text a week for the following SIX WEEKS just checking to see if I wanted to reconsider. Let me think about it… are you still spineless? Do you still live an hour away? Do you still have no car? Do you still have three kids AND A WIFE THAT YOU LIED ABOUT WHEN I AGREED TO MEET YOU? Yeah… the answer’s still no thanks, Pal.

But this guy takes the fucking cake. This e-mail was posted on The Stir. See the original post.

Hi Lauren,

I’m disappointed in you. I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten a response to my voicemail and text messages. FYI, I suggest that you keep in mind that emails sound more impersonal, harsher, and are easier to misinterpret than in-person or phone communication. After all, people can’t see someone’s body language or tone of voice in an email. I’m not trying to be harsh, patronizing, or insulting in this email. I’m honest and direct by nature, and I’m going to be that way in this email. By the way, I did a google search, so that’s how I came across your email.

I assume that you no longer want to go out with me. (If you do want to go out with me, then you should let me know.) I suggest that you make a sincere apology to me for giving me mixed signals. I feel led on by you.

Things that happened during our date include, but are not limited to, the following:

-You played with your hair a lot. A woman playing with her hair is a common sign of flirtation. You can even do a google search on it. When a woman plays with her hair, she is preening. I’ve never had a date where a woman played with her hair as much as you did. In addition, it didn’t look like you were playing with your hair out of nervousness.

-We had lots of eye contact during our date. On a per-minute basis, I’ve never had as much eye contact during a date as I did with you.

-You said, “It was nice to meet you.” at the end of our date. A woman could say this statement as a way to show that she isn’t interested in seeing a man again or she could mean what she said–that it was nice to meet you. The statement, by itself, is inconclusive.

-We had a nice conversation over dinner. I don’t think I’m being delusional in saying this statement.

In my opinion, leading someone on (i.e., giving mixed signals) is impolite and immature. It’s bad to do that.

Normally, I would not be asking for information if a woman and I don’t go out again after a first date. However, in our case, I’m curious because I think our date went well and that there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship. Of course, it’s difficult to predict what would happen, but I think there is a lot of potential for a serious relationship developing between us one day (or least there was before your non-response to my voicemail and text messages).

I think we should go out on a second date. In my opinion, our first date was good enough to lead to a second date.

Why am I writing you? Well, hopefully, we will go out again. Even if we don’t, I gain utility from expressing my thoughts to you. In addition, even if you don’t want to go out again, I would like to get feedback as to why you wouldn’t want to go again. Normally, I wouldn’t ask a woman for this type of feedback after a first date, but this is an exception given I think we have a lot of potential.

If you don’t want to go again, then apparently you didn’t think our first date was good enough to lead to a second date. Dating or a relationship is not a Hollywood movie. It’s good to keep that in mind. In general, I thought the date went well and was expecting that we would go out on a second date.

If you’re not interested in going out again, then I would have preferred if you hadn’t given those mixed signals. I feel led on. We have a number of things in common. I’ll name a few things: First, we’ve both very intelligent. Second, we both like classical music so much that we go to classical music performances by ourselves. In fact, the number one interest that I would want to have in common with a woman with whom I’m in a relationship is a liking of classical music. I wouldn’t be seriously involved with a woman if she didn’t like classical music. You said that you’re planning to go the NY Philharmonic more often in the future.

As I said, I go to the NY Philharmonic often. You’re very busy. It would be very convenient for you to date me because we have the same interests. We already go to classical music performances by ourselves. If we go to classical music performances together, it wouldn’t take any significant additional time on your part. According to the internet, you’re 33 or 32, so, at least from my point of view, we’re a good match in terms of age. I could name more things that we have in common, but I’ll stop here. I don’t understand why you apparently don’t want to go out with me again. We have numerous things in common. I assume that you find me physically attractive. If you didn’t find me physically attractive, then it would have been irrational for you to go out with me in the first place. After all, our first date was not a blind date. You already knew what I looked like before our date. Perhaps, you’re unimpressed that I manage my family’s investments and my own investments. Perhaps, you don’t think I have a “real” job. Well, I’ve done very well as an investment manager. I’ve made my parents several millions of dollars.

That’s real money. That’s not monopoly money. In my opinion, if I make real money, it’s a real job. Donald Trump’s children work for his company. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. George Soros’s sons help manage their family investments. Do they have “real” jobs? I think so. In addition, I’m both a right-brain and left-brain man, given that I’m both an investment manager and a philosopher/writer. That’s a unique characteristic; most people aren’t like that. I’ve never been as disappointed and sad about having difficulty about getting a second date as I am with you. I’ve gone out with a lot of women in my life. (FYI, I’m not a serial dater. Sometimes, I’ve only gone out with a woman for one date.) People don’t grow on trees. I hope you appreciate the potential we have.

Am I sensitive person? Sure, I am. I think it’s better to be sensitive than to be insensitive. There are too many impolite, insensitive people in the world.

I suggest that we continue to go out and see what happens. Needless to say, I find you less appealing now (given that you haven’t returned my messages) than I did at our first date. However, I would be willing to go out with you again. I’m open minded and flexible and am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I wish you would give me the benefit of the doubt too. If you don’t want to go out again, in my opinion, you would be making a big mistake, perhaps one of the biggest mistakes in your life. If you don’t want to go out again, then you should have called to tell me so. Even sending a text message would have been better than nothing. In my opinion, not responding to my messages is impolite, immature, passive aggressive, and cowardly. I spent time, effort, and money meeting you for dinner. Getting back to me in response to my messages would have been a reasonable thing for you to do. In addition, you arrived about 30 minutes late for our date. I’m sure you wouldn’t like it if a man showed up thirty minutes late for a first date with you.

If you’re concerned that you will hurt my feelings by providing specific information about why you don’t want to go with me again, well, my feeling are already hurt. I’m sad and disappointed about this situation. If you give information, at least I can understand the situation better. I might even learn something that is beneficial.

If you don’t want to go out again, that I request that you call me and make a sincere apology for leading me on (i.e., giving me mixed signals). In my opinion, you shouldn’t act that way toward a man and then not go out with him again. It’s bad to play with your hair so much and make so much eye contact if you’re not interested in going out with me again. I have tried to write this email well, but it’s not perfect. Again, I’m not trying to be harsh, insulting, patronizing, etc. I’m disappointed, sad, etc. I would like to talk to you on the phone. I hope you will call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx> (if it’s inconvenient for you to talk on the phone when you read this email, you can let me know via email that you are willing to talk on the phone and I’ll call you). If you get my voicemail, you can a leave a message and I can call you back. Even if you don’t want to go out again, I would appreciate it if you give me the courtesy of calling me and talking to me. Yes, you might say things that hurt me, but my feelings are already hurt. Sending me an email response (instead of talking on the phone) would better than no response at all, but I think it would be better to talk on the phone. Email communication has too much potential for misinterpretation, etc.

Best, Mike

Holy shit. This guy is so crushingly oblivious and devastatingly neurotic that I actually feel sorry for him. But the pity is dulled by the equally strong desire to gouge out his fucking eyes and make him eat them. Some guys just can’t take the hint!

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

One Date Wonders

As promised, a summary of the guys that never made it to date number two. Which ties in nicely to the October 13th 2011 post, The Seven Deadly Sins of Dating.

The Bore. This date was actually several years ago, but it stands out in my mind as a really disappointing date because he was the poster child for the first of the Seven Deadly Sins of Dating… apathy. The Bore was very good looking, tall and dark with striking features. He drove a nice car and was intelligent. But he had no spark, no curiosity about the world. We went to a children’s science museum for Pete’s sake. And he showed no enthusiasm, wonder, or play. Not at the giant bubble blowing station. Not at the naked mole rats. Not at the lightning in a bottle. Nothing. Buh-bye!

The Activist. Oh, this one looked really good on paper. Passionate, worldly, liberal, literate. Not exactly easy to come by in my zip code! But he fell immediately victim to the most vicious of the deadlies: No attraction. He was not bad looking, but just something about the way he carried himself was completely unappealing. Guy (The Buddy) told me once that the first subconscious thought a women has when she sees a man is “Would I sleep with him?” I’m not sure if science backs him up, but certainly in this case I can, and the answer was a resounding Not a snowball’s chance in Hell.

The Soldier. I just think The Soldier was not the sharpest tack in the bulletin board. I usually do a better job of weeding the stupid ones out, but this one slipped through due to his fun flirty sense of humor and my need for a distraction in the weeks following Chris (The Unattainable) leaving. I was regretting this date the moment I met him. He was wearing cowboy boots in an attempt to impress me because he knew I liked horses. And it went downhill from there. I actually would have felt sorry for the guy if he were more likable. He unwittingly took me to the last restaurant I’d been to with Chris, where the same server was wearing the same dress, and The Soldier even ordered the same thing that Chris had! This was the one and only time I went home and cried after a first date, which is actually probably pretty good considering how many I’ve been on this year.

The Cop. This guy turned out to totally exceed my expectations (which were admittedly in the toilet), and it was my fault that there was no second date on this one. He is the only one of these One Date Wonders who would have gotten a second date if he had asked.

The Nice Guy. Texting me after the date, he actually said, “I’m so grateful that a woman as attractive as you would agree to spend time with me.” And I think I felt so bad for him at that point that I said, “Do yourself a favor and don’t ever say that again! Pretty girls can smell insecurity and they will walk all over you.” The Deadly? You guessed it… #6 No Spine.

The Storm Chaser. Guilty of Sin #3: no attraction. Like The Activist, he sounded fascinating, well-traveled, adventurous, and intelligent. And he probably was all of these things, but they were totally obscured by his lack of ability to carry on a comfortable conversation. He was so socially awkward it was painful.  He looked at least 15 years older than he was and he moved very stiffly from an old car accident. Poor guy… he’s got an uphill battle ahead of him on the dating scene.

The Cinematographer (AKA “the Dick Pic”). I never actually met this one, but he gets an honorable mention as the subject of the previous post The Art of the Dick Pic and because I wasted a fair amount of time on this one because he texted me repeatedly and we even set up 3 dates all of which fell through. If there were an 8th Deadly Sin of Flakiness, this guy would have it nailed down for sure! I adore the artistic temperament, but The Cinematographer took it to an extreme, and I blew him off shaking my head in wonder the whole time.

The List

I bought the most adorable new dress today, and I put it on to write this post because I feel meaner when I know I look hot. It takes a sturdy mean streak to reduce all the major (and minor) relationships in your life to a list of nicknames and snarky observations. And Kate Nash. It also takes Kate Nash. If you haven’t heard Foundations, put it on now. Here’s the link to the music video. Oops, yeah, there’s an ad first. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Ready? OK….

THE LIST

Jared – The First Kiss. My total wet dream in high school…senior when I was a freshman, singer, varsity wrestler, class clown, drool-worthy, everyone’s friend and my boyfriend after I carefully orchestrated our introduction and then pursued him until he fell for me and asked to senior prom making me the envy of all of my prettier friends who didn’t have a date.

Miles – The College Boyfriend turned Buddhist monk. No shit… he took a vow of celibacy shortly after we broke up. Hugely sensual jazz musician with Beattles hair and crushingly bad breath. An inexcusably bad kisser who did not improve despite first tactful then increasingly desperate “coaching”.

Antonio – The First Lover. A breathtakingly gorgeous illegal immigrant from Mexico who I hired to work on a farm that I managed for (blissfully) absentee owners. Our secret relationship lasted over two years and was punctuated by spectacular screaming fights in Spanish, fits of guilt, a pregnancy scare, multiple break-ups, and lots of really amazing sex. I still can’t hear Nos Estorbo La Ropa by Vicente Fernandez without getting wet. Yeah, the title is “We took off our clothes” in English. Not subtle. We were pretty sure we were the first people ever to discover sex, and it was the coolest thing ever.

MiltonThe Fetish. I met Mil at a time when I really needed a best friend. He was the full nerd package: computer geek, star trek, fantasy/sci-fi, video games, Anime, the works. Of course he wore glasses and had pasty pale skin and a gimpy leg. He was also the best listener I have ever had the privilege to know. He would gaze into your eyes and actively suck the information out of you. Of anyone I’ve ever dated, Mil really knew me to the depths of my soul. The good, the bad, the ugly. And he worshiped me. I doubt I will ever be lucky enough to experience this type of deep understanding, acceptance, and loving again in my life. So what was the hitch? Well, I’m glad you asked. After all, he was The Fetish.

JoseThe Bruiser. Jose was unsuitable from the word go, except that he was Panamanian (I have a weak spot–yup, the spot between my legs–for Latin men). And it didn’t hurt that he is an Army Captain (similar weak spot for men in uniform) and stunningly handsome and could pick me up and carry me around (I’m 5’11” and not a stick, so that’s rare!). I was prepared to overlook the fact that we had no interests in common, that he was divorced with an 8 year old son, that he was tremendously self-centered, that he was not kind, and that he had no interest in who I was as a person, all for the sake of overwhelming physical attraction. But fairly quickly I was slapped in the face by something I couldn’t ignore. His hand.

GuyThe Buddy. I met Guy the week I broke up with Jose, desperate to have a good experience following that disaster. Guy was smart, funny as hell, and totally into me. One problem? I was not into him, except as a friend. Instead I fell for….

ChrisThe Unattainable. For three short weeks I dated Chris with his departure looming over us like a guillotine. We didn’t talk much, or rather, he didn’t. I couldn’t seem to shut up. I wanted to explain everything, I wanted him to know me, because if he knew me, he couldn’t possibly not want to be with me, right? RIGHT? Wrong. And my heart continued beating, but with a little bruise in it now. Or maybe my rib cage shrunk a bit, because it hurts to breathe when I think of him, too. Which is pretty much all the time. Still.

AdamThe Baptist. I’m still shaking my head in amazement over this one. Of course, I’m still sleeping with him, too. Apparently it’s not a sin to be really good in bed.

The One-Date Wonders – These guys will get cameo profiles, either because they have funny stories, or I learned something interesting from them, or because they did something really obnoxious that could serve as a cautionary tale for our male readers who may wish to take notes. Start with this one: If you’re married, you’re not fucking single.

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Shit, that’s a short list. 

Hmm, I need to do something about that.

~ Sex Kitten (with Claws)