the first and last date

I’ve been the queen of One Hit Wonders and they are so frustrating. Even in my supreme efforts to vet each and every man prior to that first meeting I’ve been striking out lately. It all started with a guy I met about a year ago at a bar …

My coworker and I decided to bring our laptops to a local pub since our building lost power in a storm. Why not work and drink, right? We were chatting it up and I decided to ask her feedback on my online dating profile. A few beers later we were sending sassy messages to men and laughing very loudly at the bar. A rather cute man sat down next to me and asked what was so funny. I showed him our drunken shenanigans and he joined in too.

A few hours later I’d completely hit it off with this guy at the bar! It turned out that we were in the same career and had a lot in common. He was well-spoken, my age and from outside appearances, a GREAT guy. We met up a few times at the same bar over the next week and got to know each other more. We busily exchanged text messages and silly things via Facebook. But then I had to get my running shoes on …

One night in a drunken stupor [a week after we met] he proclaimed his love for me via text message at 2 AM. I actually said out loud “Are you fucking kidding me?” and ignored it. His perpetual “you are so beautiful” and “you have a perfect life” comments had already started wearing thin on me. I graciously accepted his compliments but yet held on to my imperfect sensibility and humble immortality – I’m not Barbie!

When I confronted the “love text” the next morning he had plenty of excuses for the behavior. I think then he realized he just created the opposite of what he intended. I’m not quite sure that I’d say I’m monogamy-impaired but I sure don’t want that noose squeezing me after a week of knowing the guy.

It happened again last week! I’m talking to a man and we get along GREAT. Yet before we even meet, he’s talking about how amazing I am and that he can’t believe I’m single … and how he wants to take a trip with me in October.  What the fuck dude?! What happened to dating and the elusive chase? The physical gestures and “I’m fucking you tonight” looks? He killed the first date before it even happened. I can’t fall for someone I’ve never met – just can’t do it.

Where have all the great guys gone?  Oh yeah, they are taken… or too far away … or just plain old American.

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie

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Testing My Self Control

I’m consistently tempted by all the naughty things in life. I thrive on that moment where I’m thinking “I really should not do this”. I’d rather have fun and deal with the consequences later.

I found one of these opportunities while attending an out-of-town seminar for my company. When I introduced myself he tipped his chin and smiled mischievously at me – he was one of the presenters and a coworker that I’d never met before – this could get really interesting.

He was exactly the kind of man that I’m really into. Someone who can intellectually spar with me and drive me to laughter with his great sense of humor. He’s a whiz in our industry and has a charismatic nature that I’m immediately drawn to.

By the second day he was already physically flirty at the seminar dinner. I loved the way he put his hand on my shoulder when he got up to leave the table and brushed his fingers across my neck. After four glasses of wine I was game.

We walked over to my hotel room and he wasted no time in making the first move – a total turn-on for me. His whiskers burned my skin as he kissed me harder and harder saying he wanted to “ravage me”.

He pushed himself into me. I bit his lip and felt him instantly get hard through my dress. He pushed my hand down his torso and felt his erection pulse and throb meanwhile that little voice inside of me was saying “I really should not do this”.

He pulled at the strap on my bra and released my breast, kissing me all the way down my neck and chest. I was about the lose all my cares in the world and then he said “I really better go”.

He left. I went to bed still smelling him and thinking about what could have happened. Another one bites the dust. I’m pretty sure that was a good choice for both of our careers in our insanely conservative corporate life. But it’s not very fun!

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie

Friends with benefits, so sooooooo many benefits

Hate me all you want for not writing for so long if you must; but if you want a real reason to hate me, read on.

It took a while after my divorce was over for me to get back into the swing of things, at least in the bedroom.  After over 9 years “off the market” the idea of finding someone who seemed worthy of a romp, much less getting naked with someone I don’t know very well … yeah … horrifying at best.

If you have to ease your way back into bed with someone, I always never recommend doing it with someone who you consider to be one of your best friends.  I also rarely take my own advice so guess what?  Who would’ve known that a man I have come to adore for who he is and how he makes me laugh and smile, who is 8 years my senior, and totally not my normal type … would be a rockstar in bed like I can not even express.

I’ll admit that sparks had been flying for some time.  Our version of fun together is breaking into abandoned, partially destroyed, and wildly unsafe buildings … to take pictures.  That’s smart … and a nice way to get the adrenaline juices flowing freely.  It didn’t take long for the innuendos to start flying between us, thick enough to cut with a knife.  Everyone who spent time with us asked if we were together, some even made comments about us needing to be separated via means such as fabric softener or pry bar.

But leave it to me to spin off a fantasy sexual relationship with a man who has a girlfriend.  So I did my best to behave—I suck at that.  After a few clearly intentional touches  from him on a very early, very cold, very abandoned Sunday morning, I made up my mind that at some point I would make that epic first post-divorce move and plant one on this guy.  I mean seriously, what did I have to lose?  A few days passed and he came for dinner.  We hung out for a while and in a random moment of silently looking at each other (and with the encouragement of half a bottle of Jim Beam) I literally announced “Fuck it!” out loud and then lunged across the room at him.

As if the fact that I had strong feelings for this guy wasn’t enough to complicate my barely post-divorce mind, he surprisingly not only accepted my advance but dove in head first.  Clothes flying in all directions, limbs tangled up, tongues and hands and lips running over skin like months worth of sexual tension had just broke.

I shit you not—THREE hours later—he was still going.  I on the other hand, was used to a “15 minute fuck and roll over” with my ex—I was a twisted combination of exhausted and so hooked it wasn’t even funny.

*NOTE TO WOMEN*  If you aren’t gonna give your man what he wants, the way he wants it, and make him squirm, moan and say “holy fuck” when he’s done, someone else will.  Apparently, I’m that someone.  Yeah I’m a dirty whore.  Guess what? I’m okay with it.

So its been just about a month and a half since my 3-hour-romp with an older man (who I adore) that has a 7-year-long relationship with a girlfriend who has NO idea there’s something going on.  I have a God given talent to ignore my conscious and a incredibly threadbare moral fiber which has allowed me to continue taking this guy into my bed for hours on end, sometimes 3 times a day.  It’s worth every second of it.  Gotta keep my heart and head in check, but that is a story (and a guy) for another day.

~Not Yer Bitch (but on occasion I’ll be his!)

It must be the red hair

If you’ve ever visited our Facebook page, you know that I like to have fun once in a while and do a “Red Head Sunday”. I’m working on one right now while I write this. I just love being a Ginger, but it took me quite a few years to grow into that love. I used to be “made fun of” for my white skin and freckles, and my typical sunburned skin in the summer months. Now I treasure my “different” look like no other.

I was eating lunch with a friend the other day and she commented on how men glance and sometimes stare when I’m around or pass them by. Even her husband noticed at the last event we attended. He said “does she know everyone is staring at her?” For some reason I never notice this unless someone points it out to me. If men are that visually attracted to me then why don’t they approach me?  Do I give off this “unapproachable vixen” vibe as well? I sure hope not! Even Sex Kitten thinks I’m a “Force of Nature” as she put it.

I have a birthday coming up this week and I was thoughtfully looking back on my dating life over the years. One simple fact is that I’ve NEVER asked a man on a date. That’s hilarious considering how many men I’ve dated minus the years with my ex-husband. I’m honestly not even sure how to pull it off … do I have the balls to do this?

So that’s my goal this year, I need to start “asking” instead of just going along with the hottie that approaches me. I don’t think it’s an insecurity issue or lack of self esteem, I think I just have terrible timing and I’m rather un-assuming about people’s opinions of me. I need to come to terms with how others see me and how I see myself. I don’t think I’m painfully lacking in self-awareness but it does throw me off a bit.

I think I might start by talking to the security guard at my office building. He’s a tall, dark and handsome type that always says “hi” and asks how my day is going. I’ve overheard the cleaning lady say “She’s so pretty!” to him as I leave the building so maybe she has him convinced and I’ll have bonus points for trying. I wonder if a redheaded tattooed sassy woman is his type … I’ll keep ya posted.

~Globe Trotter in Lingerie

Things that make you wet

From our honest and loyal Facebook fans with a few of my own thrown in there too.

– Men in kilts
– Innocently bending over when he’s looking
– Bald men with tattoos
– Sucking on my fingers
– Humming in my ear
– Lightly blowing on my neck and ears
– Licking me like a lollipop
– Pulling my hair
– Feather light touches
-Kissing my stomach
-Biting my neck when we’re doggie style
– A normal text turns into sexting
– Knowing you shouldn’t do something and not stopping
– Making them say what they want even though you already know
– When he runs his finger down my spine
– Nibbling in all the right places
– Knowing someone else might be watching you
– Whisker burn
– Biting my lip
– Still smelling him on the pillow afterward

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~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie

Yet another completely confusing date

Even after my own inner voice said not to, I agreed to another date with PB&H. Part of me is just so damn curious about the guy I just can’t stay away … it’s a bit like staring at a car wreck. There are so many things about this man that indicate he is gay, and yet he tells me he dreams about having sex with me?

We get along great and we never lack conversation. Our viewpoints on things are almost always equal and he’s incredibly fun to spend time with. But this is what stumps me … there’s not a drop of physical interaction. He stands close to me in public and actually did take my arm once when walking into a restaurant for lunch but that’s about it. A basic hug hello and goodbye, and just a short peck on my lips and he walked out the door. I’m dying to know if there is more to this Latin Lover and he’s just holding back. The curiosity is killing me.

I’m so bad at taking the bull by the horns and pursuing someone but maybe I should just for giggles. At this point I really wish I was able to banter with him, joke around and do a whole lot more flirting. It’s pretty damn stale. No wet panties from this one.

I think I need a good exit strategy and a business plan for the next Romeo.

~GTiL

Flirt Like a Cowgirl

Being a horseback rider has serious perks when it comes to interacting with men. You can be honest and dirty at the same time. After all, how many women can legitimately end a phone conversation like this:

Gotta go. I’m about to ride the stallion and I’m going to need both hands.

Or how about innocently musing when you can tell he’s starting to glaze over listening to you talk:

You know, ass-less chaps is really a misnomer. All chaps are ass-less. (Thanks, GTiL!)

If he’s pissing you off:

I held down 3 colts for castration this morning. I’m not too tired to do one more.

He needs to be taken down a peg? Try:

Awww, honey, really… it’s so cute! The miniature pony’s is almost as little as yours.

But unless you’re into the really kinky shit, never let him see your collection of whips and spurs!

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

Force of Nature

My dear friend and Orgazmic Vitality mastermind and fellow blogger Globe Trotter in Lingerie is a force of nature when it comes to men. Every time we are out in public together,  if there are men around they are influenced by her presence.  She never has to do anything … she isn’t loud and flirty or overtly sexual or dressed slutty. But invariably the boys notice, and depending on their personalities they are soon staring, glancing, joining our conversation, challenging us to a game, asking if they know her. She’s like a planet or a star with her own gravity, and the male persuasion cannot help but orbit around her. I’m in awe of her. I’ve watched her in action many times, and I have no clue how she does it.

I mean OK, I have an idea. She’s drop-dead gorgeous for one. She exudes self-confidence and happiness. And she has that kind of Popular Girl vibe that immediately makes you want to be liked by her but secretly suspect you’re not quite cool enough for her.  I’m not sure if all that registers consciously with guys, but they are instinctively drawn to her.

Last night was no exception. We went out for Mexican and the waiter is all over her immediately (he and she have their own history, but I’ll let her fill you in about that if she wants to!). The bartender is hanging over the bar telling us about his disappointment that his hooker neighbor turned him down after he brought her flowers in favor of a friend of his that got her high on sugar that she thought was cocaine. The men sitting down the bar from us are sometimes sneaking looks and sometimes openly staring. And she’s reading me the flirty texts as they come in from the guy that she’s going out with for the first time on Saturday.

If she ever writes a How To book, I will be the first one in line to buy it.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)