Evolution of online dating

It’s funny how my online dating experiences have evolved and I also see it in other profiles.

There’s that guy that is so possessive of himself that he gives off this giant “chip on the shoulder” attitude in his profile. He’s so adamant about a woman not “changing” him that he just puts it all out there. He’s the “I burp, I fart, I don’t have a job, I live with my mother and I don’t care what the fuck you think” kind of guy. I’m glad he’s confident in himself but I can’t imagine him ever giving a shit about me enough to even go on a date with that kind of attitude. What’s the point of even having a profile if you just want to be with yourself?

I consistently see folks that write “no drama and no games” in their profiles. How realistic and likely is this? Just because they met someone and fell for them hard and then got their heart broken they have now labeled it as a “game”? Perhaps the other person just didn’t see the world like they do and was unable to return the same feelings, emotions or physical connection. What is wrong with that?

Why would you WANT to be with someone that did not feel the same about you? Breaking up is hard but a necessity at that point – hearts mend over time. Don’t get mad because someone isn’t “right” for you.

The most boring clichés of online profiles:
– I’m laid back
– I’m easy-going
– I work hard and play hard too
– I don’t want drama or games
– I have a great sense of humor
– I’ve never done this before and I’m “just looking”

And then there’s the quintessential bathroom self-portrait … those just kill me. At least meeting people in bars was social interaction, with this online stuff I feel like I’m only getting lucky with my computer screen.

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie

One Date Wonders

As promised, a summary of the guys that never made it to date number two. Which ties in nicely to the October 13th 2011 post, The Seven Deadly Sins of Dating.

The Bore. This date was actually several years ago, but it stands out in my mind as a really disappointing date because he was the poster child for the first of the Seven Deadly Sins of Dating… apathy. The Bore was very good looking, tall and dark with striking features. He drove a nice car and was intelligent. But he had no spark, no curiosity about the world. We went to a children’s science museum for Pete’s sake. And he showed no enthusiasm, wonder, or play. Not at the giant bubble blowing station. Not at the naked mole rats. Not at the lightning in a bottle. Nothing. Buh-bye!

The Activist. Oh, this one looked really good on paper. Passionate, worldly, liberal, literate. Not exactly easy to come by in my zip code! But he fell immediately victim to the most vicious of the deadlies: No attraction. He was not bad looking, but just something about the way he carried himself was completely unappealing. Guy (The Buddy) told me once that the first subconscious thought a women has when she sees a man is “Would I sleep with him?” I’m not sure if science backs him up, but certainly in this case I can, and the answer was a resounding Not a snowball’s chance in Hell.

The Soldier. I just think The Soldier was not the sharpest tack in the bulletin board. I usually do a better job of weeding the stupid ones out, but this one slipped through due to his fun flirty sense of humor and my need for a distraction in the weeks following Chris (The Unattainable) leaving. I was regretting this date the moment I met him. He was wearing cowboy boots in an attempt to impress me because he knew I liked horses. And it went downhill from there. I actually would have felt sorry for the guy if he were more likable. He unwittingly took me to the last restaurant I’d been to with Chris, where the same server was wearing the same dress, and The Soldier even ordered the same thing that Chris had! This was the one and only time I went home and cried after a first date, which is actually probably pretty good considering how many I’ve been on this year.

The Cop. This guy turned out to totally exceed my expectations (which were admittedly in the toilet), and it was my fault that there was no second date on this one. He is the only one of these One Date Wonders who would have gotten a second date if he had asked.

The Nice Guy. Texting me after the date, he actually said, “I’m so grateful that a woman as attractive as you would agree to spend time with me.” And I think I felt so bad for him at that point that I said, “Do yourself a favor and don’t ever say that again! Pretty girls can smell insecurity and they will walk all over you.” The Deadly? You guessed it… #6 No Spine.

The Storm Chaser. Guilty of Sin #3: no attraction. Like The Activist, he sounded fascinating, well-traveled, adventurous, and intelligent. And he probably was all of these things, but they were totally obscured by his lack of ability to carry on a comfortable conversation. He was so socially awkward it was painful.  He looked at least 15 years older than he was and he moved very stiffly from an old car accident. Poor guy… he’s got an uphill battle ahead of him on the dating scene.

The Cinematographer (AKA “the Dick Pic”). I never actually met this one, but he gets an honorable mention as the subject of the previous post The Art of the Dick Pic and because I wasted a fair amount of time on this one because he texted me repeatedly and we even set up 3 dates all of which fell through. If there were an 8th Deadly Sin of Flakiness, this guy would have it nailed down for sure! I adore the artistic temperament, but The Cinematographer took it to an extreme, and I blew him off shaking my head in wonder the whole time.

PB & H

I’m not sure where to start with the oddity of this man. He’s a Puerto Rican, ex-Marine, twice-divorced, Atheist that grew up in the Bronx and is now a Hairdresser in a small town. It’s not a bad combination, he’s a ton of fun, so I’m dubbing him PB & H. One of my favorite sandwiches as a little girl was peanut butter and honey (NOT jelly or jam) on bread. Cut crossways of course.

He’s one of the most clean-cut men I’ve met and he is very aware of fashion, appearances and everything that usually is associated with a woman’s way of thinking. He feels that he is a woman mentally displaced in a man’s body but he’s very attracted to women. This is the kind of guy that will go shopping for bags, shoes, dresses and read Cosmo with you. It is a bit creepy for me. I’m more into manly men.

He’s peanut butter because he makes you “stick” to him. It’s really hard not to like this guy. He’s well-spoken, educated, very adorable and has a crass sense of humor. I could spend hours with him and never get bored. He’s honey because he’s as sweet as the day is long. He cries during sad or traumatic parts of movies and I truly think he would treat the right woman like a total princess and let her rule his world.

As much as I loved my PB & H sandwiches as a child, I grew up and moved on. He admitted that he cheated on both his wives, does not believe in marriage and does not actually want to be in a relationship, but he doesn’t seem to want the casual sex thing either. He does not believe people can actually fall in love and he really does not enjoy physical contact and lacks compassion. I think I feel sorry for his Ex’s!  I believe the first date with this one is also the last. I have not struck out in a long time so I’m back to the bench and rethinking my strategy.

~GTiL

You Are a Waste of Good Hair

The Geocacher of Best Date I Never Had fame is batting 1 for 3. After inviting me to go geocaching Sunday and then texting me Sunday night to say he never called because he was feeling sick Sunday morning (what, you had Can’t Pick Up The Phone-itis?!), he apologized profusely and set a dinner date for Wednesday night. We went out for sushi and had a good time… he is gregarious, worldly, funny, opinionated, and is a great story teller. He talked pretty much non-stop for the first ten minutes before pausing to take a breath to say, “Wow, you’re gorgeous. I mean, really gorgeous!” By the time I’d opened my mouth to say thank you, he was off and talking again. I chalked it up to him being nervous, and accepted when he asked me to come with him on an hour drive to a wine and beer supply shop (one of his his many fascinating hobbies is wine making) on Friday.

So Friday afternoon I showered, did my hair, picked out a cute but casual outfit and did a little bit of straightening (ie dishes out of the sink, clothes off the floor… I’m no Martha Stewart) in case he came in. I had an eye on the clock and when it was 4:30 and he’d told me the shop closes at 5:00, I knew I’d been stood up again! At 4:35 the phone rings and it’s him. He got hung up at work, he’s not permitted a cell phone at work, blah blah blah.

Do I have time for dinner? I find that I do not.

Am I busy this weekend? I find that I am.

Boys, let this be a lesson to you in GirlSpeak: if a girl doesn’t seem to have time for you, it’s not because she’s busy. You have Pissed. Her. Off.

Shape up, Geocacher!

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

Online Dating

Since January of this year, I have been on twelve (and counting!) first dates with men that I’ve met online. For an INFP (Myers-Briggs, go check it out if you haven’t already) like me, walking up to an attractive stranger in a bar and starting up a conversation is about as appealing as cutting off my own ears and eating them. So after spending my twenties either not dating at all or in one of two long(ish) term monogamous relationships, I decided that if I was going to try the dating lifestyle, I was going to need some help. Lacking The Perfect Wing Woman (I hadn’t met GTiL yet), I took a deep breath and signed up for online dating.

There are two things that I really like about meeting new people: one is finding a spark of familiarity in a stranger (makes the world seem friendlier and less lonely), and the other is discovering something new about a subject I haven’t thought much about before (makes the world seem wider and more exciting).

What I don’t like about meeting new people is how often I am disappointed by the lack of intelligence, curiosity, enthusiasm, and/or self-awareness that make so many people unappealing to get to know.

Sigh. It’s lonely in the top percentiles, and then you have to contend with the arrogance of intellectual snobs like me.

So many people had boring, uninspired or defensive things to say online… but at least I could weed them out with the computer screen as a buffer. While most first dates have not resulted in a second date, I am pleased to report that I have yet to go on a really unpleasant first date. My self-confidence has increased exponentially, from last-minute buying of shoes (because two hours before the date I realized every single pair I owned was totally unacceptable!) and shaking knees on that first January date to pitying the poor fool across the table from me sweating and shredding his napkin while I kindly helped him remember his first name.

Social skills are a learned behavior, not something extroverts are born with and the rest of us suffer without. Dating is like anything else: it takes practice. Online sites can act as a welcome icebreaker or introduction. But  before you invest your heart and soul or wet your panties corresponding ad naseum online… take him out for dinner and make sure he isn’t Fool’s Gold.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)