Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe….

The online dating scene is looking fairly bleak, ladies and gents.

Potential Date #1 (after I requested that he tell me an interesting story about himself):

I once woke up at a mortician’s house being accused of stealing drugs that he would smuggle in the bodies. I also didn’t know where I was.

My Response: Impressive, no grammatical or spelling errors. Wait… WHAT THE FUCK?!

Potential Date #2 (sent at 4:32 in the morning. Yes, I notice these things):

Hi, I read your profile 3 times. It is amazing. So how are you?

My Response: Creeeeeppppperrrrrrrrrrr. OK, I can deal with socially awkward (hell, I SPECIALIZE in socially awkward), but I can’t do stalkers. Which one are you???

Potential Date #3:

Hey, this is a public service message. I was looking at your profile and on the side bar there were suggestions for others users being compared to you. All of them were described as “less kinky” or “less desiring of sex.” I’m not sure what you put in your profile but somehow this dating site seems to think you’re a freak. You seem like a nice girl and I thought you should know. lol

My Response: Very smooth. Do you need a sponsor for Sex Addicts Anonymous? I can hook you up.

And from The Cinematographer. No, that’s not what he’s best known for… he’ll have to be known as Dick Pic now:

Hey, hot sauce… how you been?

My Response: ‘Bout the same since you texted me naked photos of yourself and set up three dates with me all of which you either canceled or didn’t confirm, resulting in me standing you up. You?

Sigh… it’s a jungle out there, and most of the animals are fucking retarded.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

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The Art of the Dick Pic

OK, I’m speaking just to the guys now. And specifically to the one who sent me a self-portrait of the lower half of his naked body in a text message this morning at 8:45 am.

There are times when it is not appropriate to send women nude photos of yourself.

Let me help you out, because apparently this isn’t obvious to you. Simply answer the questions below:

  • Have you slept with her?
  • Have you ever even met her?
  • Did she request a picture of your nekkid man sausage or give you any indication at all that she wanted to see it?
  • Has she sent you a photo of her naked?
  • Is it before nine am on a weekday?
  • Are you cut like washboard on a red dirt road, hung like a thoroughbred stallion, and standing in front of something very expensive looking in your photo?

If you answered no to ALL of these questions, it probably isn’t appropriate to text her a naked picture!

But if you do decide to anyway, just imagine the following happening. I promise you, the hard-on will go away:

Me, texting Globe Trotter in Lingerie: I’m about to make your morning… [forwards dick pic]

Me: LOL! Share the wealth! Hahahaha ha!

Globe Trotter in Lingerie: OMG that is hilarious! Rock on!

Me: The little exhibitionist will be lucky if this doesn’t make it into The Blog.

GTiL: LMAO! Now, don’t be jealous, but the stuff on MY phone is waaaaay better!

Me: I don’t doubt it… this was purely for entertainment purposes, not bragging rights! LOL

Me: Although he might not agree with me… ha ha

GTiL: Let’s hope there’s not a fragile ego holding the phone. LOL

Me: Well, we know he’s not holding it with both hands anyway. But seriously, WTF?? Who does that? How am I supposed to eat lunch with this guy tomorrow with that in my head?

GTiL: Ha ha… just don’t order beenie weenies. He thinks it’s sexy. Maybe you should humor him?

Me: What fun is that? I’m a bull in a china shop when it comes to fragile egos. I can already hear the distant sound of shattering glass, muffled somewhat by the intercom: “Clean up on aisles 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10.” Hope he brings his own mop to lunch.

GTiL: You should suggest he bring running shoes…

Me: Why? To chase after me in? Or to run away and save himself?

GTiL: To run away!

Me: Actually, as long as he brings any clothes at all, we’ll be good. He’s lucky I’m so cool.

GTiL: Make sure you tell him to WEAR them!

So, all you would be casanovas… before you hit that “send” button, just remember… you have no idea what blog she might write for. The Cinematographer is just fortunate that I’m too nice to post the photo!

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)