My sexual dating diatribe

Him:
So, what are you all about? What are you looking for on here?

Me:
Hmmm… that’s a loaded question. I’m not sure what I’m looking for on [insert ridiculous internet dating site name here] specifically … I have yet to find it.

From a life perspective, I’m looking for someone challenging enough to keep me interested; love life, sex and good times as much as I do — if it leads to more, then I’m interested. I’d love to be lost in a moment with someone and really have them care for me as much as I do for them … and be really sexually compatible.  I haven’t figured out if that’s too much to expect or realistic of another human being. Did I mention I like sex?

I’ve been deeply in love and I’ve had my share of flings that were as forgettable as a rainstorm. I’m okay with a great friend (with benefits) to spend time with too. After all, “dinner for one” night after night gets a little boring!

I keep giving it another shot until I find it. It’s the hard-headed redhead in me that refuses to give up. Bottoms up!

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie

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Evolution of online dating

It’s funny how my online dating experiences have evolved and I also see it in other profiles.

There’s that guy that is so possessive of himself that he gives off this giant “chip on the shoulder” attitude in his profile. He’s so adamant about a woman not “changing” him that he just puts it all out there. He’s the “I burp, I fart, I don’t have a job, I live with my mother and I don’t care what the fuck you think” kind of guy. I’m glad he’s confident in himself but I can’t imagine him ever giving a shit about me enough to even go on a date with that kind of attitude. What’s the point of even having a profile if you just want to be with yourself?

I consistently see folks that write “no drama and no games” in their profiles. How realistic and likely is this? Just because they met someone and fell for them hard and then got their heart broken they have now labeled it as a “game”? Perhaps the other person just didn’t see the world like they do and was unable to return the same feelings, emotions or physical connection. What is wrong with that?

Why would you WANT to be with someone that did not feel the same about you? Breaking up is hard but a necessity at that point – hearts mend over time. Don’t get mad because someone isn’t “right” for you.

The most boring clichés of online profiles:
– I’m laid back
– I’m easy-going
– I work hard and play hard too
– I don’t want drama or games
– I have a great sense of humor
– I’ve never done this before and I’m “just looking”

And then there’s the quintessential bathroom self-portrait … those just kill me. At least meeting people in bars was social interaction, with this online stuff I feel like I’m only getting lucky with my computer screen.

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie

the first and last date

I’ve been the queen of One Hit Wonders and they are so frustrating. Even in my supreme efforts to vet each and every man prior to that first meeting I’ve been striking out lately. It all started with a guy I met about a year ago at a bar …

My coworker and I decided to bring our laptops to a local pub since our building lost power in a storm. Why not work and drink, right? We were chatting it up and I decided to ask her feedback on my online dating profile. A few beers later we were sending sassy messages to men and laughing very loudly at the bar. A rather cute man sat down next to me and asked what was so funny. I showed him our drunken shenanigans and he joined in too.

A few hours later I’d completely hit it off with this guy at the bar! It turned out that we were in the same career and had a lot in common. He was well-spoken, my age and from outside appearances, a GREAT guy. We met up a few times at the same bar over the next week and got to know each other more. We busily exchanged text messages and silly things via Facebook. But then I had to get my running shoes on …

One night in a drunken stupor [a week after we met] he proclaimed his love for me via text message at 2 AM. I actually said out loud “Are you fucking kidding me?” and ignored it. His perpetual “you are so beautiful” and “you have a perfect life” comments had already started wearing thin on me. I graciously accepted his compliments but yet held on to my imperfect sensibility and humble immortality – I’m not Barbie!

When I confronted the “love text” the next morning he had plenty of excuses for the behavior. I think then he realized he just created the opposite of what he intended. I’m not quite sure that I’d say I’m monogamy-impaired but I sure don’t want that noose squeezing me after a week of knowing the guy.

It happened again last week! I’m talking to a man and we get along GREAT. Yet before we even meet, he’s talking about how amazing I am and that he can’t believe I’m single … and how he wants to take a trip with me in October.  What the fuck dude?! What happened to dating and the elusive chase? The physical gestures and “I’m fucking you tonight” looks? He killed the first date before it even happened. I can’t fall for someone I’ve never met – just can’t do it.

Where have all the great guys gone?  Oh yeah, they are taken… or too far away … or just plain old American.

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

Just slip out the back, Jack.

Make a new plan, Stan.

No need to be coy, Roy.

Or as Globe Trotter in Lingerie says:

“Run. Make sure you weave in case you shoot. Of course, I’m usually the one doing the shooting.”

For my part, I am six weeks in with The Storyteller and blissfully happy, despite all practical considerations. Which makes for really shitty blog material!

50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. 0 Reasons.

Dating a Liar

See, the thing is that most people would list “honesty” as one of the top things they want in a partner. But in fact, everybody lies. We lie to avoid conflict, we lie to present ourselves in a better light, we lie to get what we want. So I’m not surprised when I catch a man in a lie. But sometimes the lies are so outlandish or so unnecessary that I am mystified. What on earth would possess an intelligent person to tell such a stupid fib?

The past three winners have told me A.) that he was doing cocaine but kicked the habit (trying to excuse bad behavior & get me back), B.) that he had slept with two girls when in fact he was a virgin (trying to avoid embarrassment), and C.) that he had a girlfriend, and then that he was moving to New York (trying to make me jealous and then trying to shock me into confessing my nonexistent feeling for him). All understandable motivations, so really what bothered me the most was that these guys would think that I would believe them. OK, I’m trusting, even gullible perhaps, but I’m not dumb.

Fast forward to this week, and I’ve gone on two dates with Jay. Let’s call him The Story Teller. If you believe everything he tells you, he’s lived an amazing life filled to bursting with exceptional experiences … home-schooled until he graduated from high school at 16 when he began college with the dream of becoming a surgeon, professional dancer, raped repeatedly as a child, engaged to be married twice by the age of 17 (once to a woman 10 years his senior, once to a girl pregnant with another man’s baby who miscarried when her father threw her down some stairs), ex-member of a cult (which he escaped by physically fighting his way out), experimented with gay sex, ex-stripper, twice attempted suicide, survived multiple drug overdoses and alcohol poisoning, now a dance instructor and aspiring professional pool player and psychology major and juvenile addiction counselor. And perhaps strangest of all, willing and eager even to talk about all of these things on a first and second date with a virtual stranger.

So if he’s lying, or at least strongly embellishing his life story, why? Is he a pathological liar that can’t help himself? Is his confidence so low that he thinks he needs to have all these tragic or exotic stories to be interesting? This is a 6’5″ well built, very attractive, well-spoken and well-written thoughtful and courteous 24 year old with a job(s), a car, and pursuing a masters degree. Granted, he lives with his parents but he’s 24 not 34 and going to school, so that’s not so bad.

I am utterly fascinated, totally bemused, and extremely wary. There will be no saying later that I didn’t see the red flags if it all blows up in my face. But I’m going down the rabbit hole… Liar or not, I’m hopelessly hooked.

So later, feel free to tell me, “I told me so.”

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

More than friends?

So I wrote, for the first time in ages, only a couple days ago … about my bestie guy friend and our killer sex life behind his serious girlfriend’s back.  Well let me tell ya (and trust I will go back and write about my FF and his huge fucking hose soon) things have taken a HARD CORE left turn … er right turn … not entirely sure.

Let me start with this … I adore this man.  He rocks my world in so many ways its not even funny.  He is the ONE person I know I can be ME totally ME around.  In all my geeky retarded splendor.  Oh yeah.  He likes me for the stupid me.  Those guys are few and far between.

So here is this guy, so perfect it’s like I was cut from his missing rib, but so far from my type it would make your head spin.  I date bikers and truckers, zz tops lookin’ mother fuckers and bad ass boys.  And here is this mostly put together business man who comes home from work in dress pants/shoes/shirt/and even a tie at times.  WHAAAA???!!!  No 9″ long goatee.  No tattoos.  No oddball piercings.  No record (that I know of) and yet someone that drives me so crazy I want to hump his leg randomly when we’re out.

So his birthday was this past Friday.  I thought long and hard and came up with a gift that no one but me would ever get him.  Story for another time…

Thursday we had an epic day together – hot and heavy in an abandoned army depot.  Friday, major suck fest, and not in the hot and sexy way.  In the “my life sucks” way.  Hard to face not seeing him because he is with his girlfriend.  Major gut check.  I wasn’t shy about how I felt and he caught onto the fact that I’m tired of waiting for him to get shit figured out.

~Not Yer Bitch

I found the French hot button

Maybe I could even re-name it the “Easy Button” because that’s a good way to describe it = Sucking my fingers while he fingers me. I feel like I won the orgasm lottery!

Sex with him is slow, intense, deep and deliberate … And leaves me breathless. The passion in our bodies is so overwhelming I can barely put it into words. I love it when his arms and abs get hard when he’s pushing into me. I want to stop time when I’m naked with him – turn up the music, pull me in, because I want an overdose of this man!

After dinner and a movie we decided to hit a club for dancing and a few drinks. I loved feeling him get hard under his jeans in public. And even more fun to have everyone watch us dance “dirty” and tease each other – and the quintessential “I’m fucking you later” look.

The plus side of this is that I know he’s amazing in a hundred ways but the downside is that I have to keep saying goodbye. In the two years we’ve known each other, we’ve never made “plans” for a future visit. This time he asked if he could come back in January. I said yes … in a frighteningly committed way.

As they say: “Never go back to an old love, it’s like reading a book over and over again when you already know how it ends.” I know how this ends, but it’s a best-seller in my heart and always on my bookshelf.

~Globe Trotter in Lingerie

Help Wanted

Well, it’s raining outside today, but I’ve been absent from the blog due to a dry spell. My personal life is lacking in… personnel. You might say I’m short-staffed, that I’m having trouble filling the position, or that multiple lay-offs have resulted in a lack of getting laid. The summer fling with The Baptist has been flung, the Fall interlude with the Something Serious candidate withered on the vine, and October madness with the Geocacher became just plain madness. I mean, once neither of you can even be bothered to pretend to be interested in the other outside the bedroom… it’s pretty much over.

So. Applications are currently being accepted for seasonal employment. Candidates must have a backbone, a funny bone, a wishbone, and a boner.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

Here’s one you can sing along to

(As sung to the tune of 12 Days of Christmas)

“On the 12th day of no communication, my lover said to me …”

Seriously? 12 days after our date PB&H writes:  “Sorry for the delayed response. I hope you are doing well. I really enjoyed the kiss we shared last time and hope it won’t be the last.”

Are you kidding me? Sorry buddy but you haven’t crossed my mind much and I got more tongue from my 2nd grade “crush” than I did from you on the 2nd date. Good luck with that purse fetish.

~GTiL

My advice to men for online dating profiles

“I’m open to anyone” means you just want to get laid. Which is fine, that’s what most of us want in a relationship too, but for real buddy, have some standards.

Put some effort into your photos. Get a haircut, comb it and put some decent clothes on (that fit you) and then get a friend to take the shot. It’s not news to your friend you are single and they probably want you to get laid as much as you do. Do not take a photo of you sitting in your car or in the mirror of the Burger King bathroom. Have some standards. And for the sake of all women (and men) out there, keep your shirt on!

Smile in the picture … don’t scowl as if you’ve just been arrested. It’s really unattractive.

Don’t use photos of you hanging out at a bar with two hot chicks on either side of you … unless I’m one of the chicks it’s unimpressive.

Don’t type in ALL CAPS, no caps or without punctuation. I don’t care if you are on your “smart” phone … it’s clearly smarter than you at this point. And yes, grammar and spelling counts too.

Avoid the ridiculous clichés of “I’m a glass half full kinda guy” or “I’m gonna treat you like my queen” and “I’m not into playing games” and the classic “I’m a nice guy looking for a nice girl”. It’s all fucking boring and overused.

Your profile really is the first impression of who you are. If it’s short and impersonal it’s likely you will be overlooked and ignored. Be creative and have fun with it!

Good luck to you, it’s a jungle out there!

~GTiL

The Dilemma

Strivetwosucceed, a fellow WordPress blogger, read my post Ghosts of Dating Past and asked me an interesting question that was already on my mind:

What do you need to know about the other person to move from “casual dating” to something more substantial?

I’ve been wondering that myself, as there is a Something Serious candidate in my life at the moment, and I go back and forth about whether I want to be in a substantial relationship at this point in my life. The Potato Chip Theory of Dating would suggest that I don’t. And yet.

What makes a Something Serious candidate is his character. Character trumps nearly everything else, because it is immutable. Behavior can change. Circumstances can change. But character stays the same, and it is shockingly rare for me to encounter a person who has the caliber of character than I’m looking for and who also doesn’t exhibit any of the Seven Deadly Sins of Dating.

Is it part of the human condition to simultaneously crave freedom from loneliness and complete independence? Or am I just fucked?

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

Ghosts of Dating Past

I had the weirdest experience on Wednesday. I was on my way to a date with a brand new guy, The Geocacher, when I stopped into a Starbucks to visit the little girl’s room. Who should be sitting out front on his laptop but Jose. The Bruiser. My first online dating conquest of this year, and not exactly a fond memory. I didn’t catch sight of him until it would have drawn more attention to stop and turn back than to keep walking. Shit, oh shit I hope he doesn’t look up!

But what am I afraid of? He’s not with a girl. I look great (all women know that this is the most important consideration when running into one’s exes!). We left it fine, no animosity, just discomfort when I broke up with him for reasons of um, sexual incompatibility.

He doesn’t see me. And I’m left to wonder why I am so rattled by this close encounter. And I answer myself: probably because I just left the house of one guy on my way to a first date with another, and seeing Jose is a further reminder of how many lives have intersected with mine this year without leaving a lasting imprint or anything of importance whatsoever. Kind of makes me feel insubstantial, forgettable, possibly just a figment of the imagination.

Jose is not a ghost, but I’m starting to feel like one.

Too real? Yeah… for me, too.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

There’s no lame pick-up line for this one

I just had a pretty memorable first date with guy that had me laughing and entertained the entire time. I found him online at one of the typical dating sites. We met up at a cheesy small-town festival with oodles of heart-attack-inducing fried foods and music from a cover band with members that all looked like they were going through their second mid-life crisis.

I really love the heart-pounding excitement of seeing a person’s face for the first time when you already know a bit about them. It’s nothing like seeing someone in a bar, coffee-shop or the local store. I already knew he met the typical credentials on my list, but it’s refreshing to be attracted to them and already know you have a shot of falling for them.

He’s all boy. He looked at my titties right away. I honestly can’t blame him and that’s a nice way to know he’s not a prude. We’d done our share of flirting via text prior to the date so I already knew he had a good sense of humor.

The festival was a total bore so we set out in his vehicle to a “place” that he had up his sleeve. Was this a potential “lets make out like high-schoolers” kind of thing? Yup, it sure was! It was secluded, quiet and we sat and listened to music while we got to know each other a bit more.

As soon as it got dark we got out of the car and danced under the stars to his music. He’d been planning revenge on me until this time for being 17 minutes late for our date. My “punishment” was him pushing me up against the car and kissing me — I like him already!

So we made out like high-schoolers under the stars, until we got cold and feasted-on by mosquitoes. I’m officially calling him The Boob Man because he’s got an amazing sex drive and could not keep his hands off me. A few indicators in the conversation gave me the idea that he’s into some kinky stuff so this might be just my kind of adventure! One thing that threw me off a little was that he loves giving oral sex but is not that into receiving it. WTF? I’m scratching my head on that one.

He’s not a foreigner but he has an accent from another state … does that qualify just a little? Bring it on Boob Man!

~GTiL

p.s. He’s a GREAT kisser too!  🙂

Funny texts with strangers

Me: There’s 4 of us in this small house – it’s a zoo!
Him: Who are the 4?
Me: Dog, 2 cats and me – all girls!
Him: Sounds like u ladies may need a man around!
Me: Someone to keep us in line would be nice.
Him: That may be a hell of a task!
Me: 3 of the 4 are redheads. You’d have your work cut out for you.
Him: Wow. I like a challenge.
Me: I can be challenging but I guarantee it will be fun.
Him: It will be! Guaranteed!
Me: Is there fine print involved?
Him: No, just your standard 10-page dating agreement.
Me: Fabulous. Did I mention I’m really good at breaking rules and getting away with it?
Him: Well, under my agreement that behaviour is rewarded. I’m sure those sexy eyes have a lot to do with you getting away with stuff.
Me: Sounds like my kind of agreement. It’s usually my smile that breaks the rule.
Him: I better have my guard up. Who knows what I might be talked into doing.
Me: Nothing that you haven’t already talked yourself into. 🙂
Him: Good point.

He seems to have a good sense of humor for someone I’ve never met!

~GTiL