Evolution of online dating

It’s funny how my online dating experiences have evolved and I also see it in other profiles.

There’s that guy that is so possessive of himself that he gives off this giant “chip on the shoulder” attitude in his profile. He’s so adamant about a woman not “changing” him that he just puts it all out there. He’s the “I burp, I fart, I don’t have a job, I live with my mother and I don’t care what the fuck you think” kind of guy. I’m glad he’s confident in himself but I can’t imagine him ever giving a shit about me enough to even go on a date with that kind of attitude. What’s the point of even having a profile if you just want to be with yourself?

I consistently see folks that write “no drama and no games” in their profiles. How realistic and likely is this? Just because they met someone and fell for them hard and then got their heart broken they have now labeled it as a “game”? Perhaps the other person just didn’t see the world like they do and was unable to return the same feelings, emotions or physical connection. What is wrong with that?

Why would you WANT to be with someone that did not feel the same about you? Breaking up is hard but a necessity at that point – hearts mend over time. Don’t get mad because someone isn’t “right” for you.

The most boring clichés of online profiles:
– I’m laid back
– I’m easy-going
– I work hard and play hard too
– I don’t want drama or games
– I have a great sense of humor
– I’ve never done this before and I’m “just looking”

And then there’s the quintessential bathroom self-portrait … those just kill me. At least meeting people in bars was social interaction, with this online stuff I feel like I’m only getting lucky with my computer screen.

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie


the first and last date

I’ve been the queen of One Hit Wonders and they are so frustrating. Even in my supreme efforts to vet each and every man prior to that first meeting I’ve been striking out lately. It all started with a guy I met about a year ago at a bar …

My coworker and I decided to bring our laptops to a local pub since our building lost power in a storm. Why not work and drink, right? We were chatting it up and I decided to ask her feedback on my online dating profile. A few beers later we were sending sassy messages to men and laughing very loudly at the bar. A rather cute man sat down next to me and asked what was so funny. I showed him our drunken shenanigans and he joined in too.

A few hours later I’d completely hit it off with this guy at the bar! It turned out that we were in the same career and had a lot in common. He was well-spoken, my age and from outside appearances, a GREAT guy. We met up a few times at the same bar over the next week and got to know each other more. We busily exchanged text messages and silly things via Facebook. But then I had to get my running shoes on …

One night in a drunken stupor [a week after we met] he proclaimed his love for me via text message at 2 AM. I actually said out loud “Are you fucking kidding me?” and ignored it. His perpetual “you are so beautiful” and “you have a perfect life” comments had already started wearing thin on me. I graciously accepted his compliments but yet held on to my imperfect sensibility and humble immortality – I’m not Barbie!

When I confronted the “love text” the next morning he had plenty of excuses for the behavior. I think then he realized he just created the opposite of what he intended. I’m not quite sure that I’d say I’m monogamy-impaired but I sure don’t want that noose squeezing me after a week of knowing the guy.

It happened again last week! I’m talking to a man and we get along GREAT. Yet before we even meet, he’s talking about how amazing I am and that he can’t believe I’m single … and how he wants to take a trip with me in October.  What the fuck dude?! What happened to dating and the elusive chase? The physical gestures and “I’m fucking you tonight” looks? He killed the first date before it even happened. I can’t fall for someone I’ve never met – just can’t do it.

Where have all the great guys gone?  Oh yeah, they are taken… or too far away … or just plain old American.

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie

My advice to men for online dating profiles

“I’m open to anyone” means you just want to get laid. Which is fine, that’s what most of us want in a relationship too, but for real buddy, have some standards.

Put some effort into your photos. Get a haircut, comb it and put some decent clothes on (that fit you) and then get a friend to take the shot. It’s not news to your friend you are single and they probably want you to get laid as much as you do. Do not take a photo of you sitting in your car or in the mirror of the Burger King bathroom. Have some standards. And for the sake of all women (and men) out there, keep your shirt on!

Smile in the picture … don’t scowl as if you’ve just been arrested. It’s really unattractive.

Don’t use photos of you hanging out at a bar with two hot chicks on either side of you … unless I’m one of the chicks it’s unimpressive.

Don’t type in ALL CAPS, no caps or without punctuation. I don’t care if you are on your “smart” phone … it’s clearly smarter than you at this point. And yes, grammar and spelling counts too.

Avoid the ridiculous clichés of “I’m a glass half full kinda guy” or “I’m gonna treat you like my queen” and “I’m not into playing games” and the classic “I’m a nice guy looking for a nice girl”. It’s all fucking boring and overused.

Your profile really is the first impression of who you are. If it’s short and impersonal it’s likely you will be overlooked and ignored. Be creative and have fun with it!

Good luck to you, it’s a jungle out there!


Size does count

I have yet to introduce The Man of My Dreams to the blog, but this was a recent conversation I had with him about The Boob Man and his limp penne pasta-sized penis.

Him: Oh, that whole post makes me feel much better about myself
GTiL: Ha ha! Good.
Him: I’ve only had my size questioned once and that was a nightmare…
GTiL: I’m sure she was full of shit. And hopefully without incriminating myself I can say that you are well above his league.
Him: All I can say is my length is above normal but I am not huge. I have also been told my girth is what most like.
GTiL: I agree that it’s more about girth than length. But I disagree with people that say “size doesn’t make a difference” Who the fuck are they kidding?
GTiL: It was hard for me to feel sorry for this guy because he sucked in bed. He almost deserved to have a small penis and he surely did not make up for it in other ways.
Him: I think that statement really means that if you are at least average you’ll be ok. I don’t think that statement is about the Penne Pasta guys.
GTiL: Ha! That’s true.
Him: I have a friend that complains about her husbands size all the time. I tell her that is what she gets for falling in love with the uniform and not the man in it.
GTiL: Wow, really? I don’t think I’d have the balls to complain about my husband’s penis size. And if it was not adequate I would not have a ring on my finger in the first place. Maybe I place too much importance on sex in a relationship?
Him: No you don’t and I have to admit I am very surprised she ever married this guy. She has a big addiction to sex and can’t figure out why she settled. She fell in love with a Navy man and that is as far as she looked I guess.
GTiL: There’s countless people in my life that have “settled” for the one they married. I’m really amazed by the numbers. I can’t do any relationship unless I’m completely infatuated and connected with someone – and the sex has to be damn good.
Him: So Penne boy is off that list I take it?
GTiL: Long gone!

Chivalry is Dead, but Good Manners are Always “In”

I could fucking care less if you pull back my chair, open the car door, or take my arm when we cross the street. When I say I’d like to be treated as an equal, I’m not one of those women who want it both ways, crying Feminism! then smiling sweetly and pushing the bill for dinner across the table. I don’t think of myself as a girl, I’m a person. I very rarely use my sexuality to get special treatment, and when I do, I feel slightly disgusted afterward. I love men and I like flirting, but I have no patience for playing dumb or inept in a relationship. A confident, take charge type of guy is incredibly sexy, but I’m not going to shrink myself down… you will have to be that guy on your own!

Now, there is a difference between chivalry and consideration. I want you to respect me and show me care not because I am female but because you are a caring person that likes to make others feel good.

So please… introduce me when we run into someone you know. Ask me what music I’d like to listen to in the car. Pay attention when I speak and give me thoughtful gifts (not expensive… meaningful). Respect my opinions. If you don’t know what I like, ask. If I ask you to brush your teeth in the morning before you kiss me, fucking do it. Cheerfully. Bring me a glass of water without me having to ask for it. Notice when I do caring things for you. I was raised well and I am always looking for opportunities to do nice things for you. Could you please do the same?

If just once a guy would look into my eyes and ask “Can I do anything for you, darling?” after sex, it would blow my mind.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

Online Dating

Since January of this year, I have been on twelve (and counting!) first dates with men that I’ve met online. For an INFP (Myers-Briggs, go check it out if you haven’t already) like me, walking up to an attractive stranger in a bar and starting up a conversation is about as appealing as cutting off my own ears and eating them. So after spending my twenties either not dating at all or in one of two long(ish) term monogamous relationships, I decided that if I was going to try the dating lifestyle, I was going to need some help. Lacking The Perfect Wing Woman (I hadn’t met GTiL yet), I took a deep breath and signed up for online dating.

There are two things that I really like about meeting new people: one is finding a spark of familiarity in a stranger (makes the world seem friendlier and less lonely), and the other is discovering something new about a subject I haven’t thought much about before (makes the world seem wider and more exciting).

What I don’t like about meeting new people is how often I am disappointed by the lack of intelligence, curiosity, enthusiasm, and/or self-awareness that make so many people unappealing to get to know.

Sigh. It’s lonely in the top percentiles, and then you have to contend with the arrogance of intellectual snobs like me.

So many people had boring, uninspired or defensive things to say online… but at least I could weed them out with the computer screen as a buffer. While most first dates have not resulted in a second date, I am pleased to report that I have yet to go on a really unpleasant first date. My self-confidence has increased exponentially, from last-minute buying of shoes (because two hours before the date I realized every single pair I owned was totally unacceptable!) and shaking knees on that first January date to pitying the poor fool across the table from me sweating and shredding his napkin while I kindly helped him remember his first name.

Social skills are a learned behavior, not something extroverts are born with and the rest of us suffer without. Dating is like anything else: it takes practice. Online sites can act as a welcome icebreaker or introduction. But  before you invest your heart and soul or wet your panties corresponding ad naseum online… take him out for dinner and make sure he isn’t Fool’s Gold.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

Profile: The Buddy

Guy left my life abruptly on July 11th. He was moving back to his home state of New York and he told me two days before his move.  He told me he anticipated getting back into the dark and glamorous gang life he had left behind years ago. He said he didn’t want me exposed to him in that context, which is why he was shutting off his phone and wouldn’t be in contact anymore.

I would have been really alarmed by all of this… if I believed it.

The thing about boys–even wicked smart boys like Guy–is that they tell really stupid lies. I’ve had a boy tell me he had gotten addicted to cocaine and then beat it, because he thought I might get back together with him. Another boy told me he had had two one-night stands because he didn’t want me to know he was a virgin. My college boyfriend told me he loved me… but we’ve all heard that one, right?

In Guy’s case, I suspect that the truth was much simpler: he did not want me in his life anymore because we were just friends and he wanted more. I know the second part of that statement is true because he told me so multiple times. The only part I’m guessing at is that he lied about moving as a last ditch effort to see if I would ask him to stay for me. I didn’t.

I do miss him, though. We talked almost every day and hung out several times a month from March to July. I’d never had a male friend with whom I could talk about dating, and we had some fabulously graphic conversations about sex. We also loved bashing online dating, since we originally met on a dating website. Here Guy decodes for me what men say online versus what they actually mean:

Me: My pet peeve is how many guys write “I’m just a laid-back guy who loves to laugh and have fun.”

Guy: He means have sex and giggle when he tells his friends the next day.

Me: “I don’t want drama & I treat my woman like a queen.”

Guy: He has baby mommas and wants to stay off child support. Baby mommas are the only drama guys have. If she’s just crazy, we’ll dump her.

Me: “What do you want to know, I’m just me. I’m totally unique. Whatever you want to know just ask.”

Guy: The first and last parts are legit. Turn the middle part into “I live with my mother still and quote Harry Potter and Star Trek at will.”

We also traded online dating horror stories and we agreed to tie for top honors. His was that a girl who saw his photo online holding his dog began calling him and it turned out that she was more interested in the dog. Yeah, that way. Mine was a guy who had knocked his two front teeth out with a chainsaw and was writing a pseudo-scientific treatise on how African Americans are subhuman. Thank god neither of us actually had to meet these losers before the bombshell dropped.

I am really grateful to Guy for helping me recover from a bad three week relationship with the first man I met online, Jose. He also gave me some really wonderful advice about my infatuation with Chris. Which was very generous of him given that he felt for me what I felt for Chris: unreturned (can I bring myself to say it?) love.

In the end, Guy was the braver of the two of us, even if he did lie. He followed his own wise advice to me much sooner than I was able to take it. His advice was to:

1.) Tell the person how you feel, regardless of how you know they will respond. Do it for yourself, for the sake of being honest with yourself.

2.) Let it go, let it go, let it go.

So I do not begrudge Guy his lie, if that’s what it was. I’m still struggling with part two myself.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)