Evolution of online dating

It’s funny how my online dating experiences have evolved and I also see it in other profiles.

There’s that guy that is so possessive of himself that he gives off this giant “chip on the shoulder” attitude in his profile. He’s so adamant about a woman not “changing” him that he just puts it all out there. He’s the “I burp, I fart, I don’t have a job, I live with my mother and I don’t care what the fuck you think” kind of guy. I’m glad he’s confident in himself but I can’t imagine him ever giving a shit about me enough to even go on a date with that kind of attitude. What’s the point of even having a profile if you just want to be with yourself?

I consistently see folks that write “no drama and no games” in their profiles. How realistic and likely is this? Just because they met someone and fell for them hard and then got their heart broken they have now labeled it as a “game”? Perhaps the other person just didn’t see the world like they do and was unable to return the same feelings, emotions or physical connection. What is wrong with that?

Why would you WANT to be with someone that did not feel the same about you? Breaking up is hard but a necessity at that point – hearts mend over time. Don’t get mad because someone isn’t “right” for you.

The most boring clichés of online profiles:
– I’m laid back
– I’m easy-going
– I work hard and play hard too
– I don’t want drama or games
– I have a great sense of humor
– I’ve never done this before and I’m “just looking”

And then there’s the quintessential bathroom self-portrait … those just kill me. At least meeting people in bars was social interaction, with this online stuff I feel like I’m only getting lucky with my computer screen.

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie


the first and last date

I’ve been the queen of One Hit Wonders and they are so frustrating. Even in my supreme efforts to vet each and every man prior to that first meeting I’ve been striking out lately. It all started with a guy I met about a year ago at a bar …

My coworker and I decided to bring our laptops to a local pub since our building lost power in a storm. Why not work and drink, right? We were chatting it up and I decided to ask her feedback on my online dating profile. A few beers later we were sending sassy messages to men and laughing very loudly at the bar. A rather cute man sat down next to me and asked what was so funny. I showed him our drunken shenanigans and he joined in too.

A few hours later I’d completely hit it off with this guy at the bar! It turned out that we were in the same career and had a lot in common. He was well-spoken, my age and from outside appearances, a GREAT guy. We met up a few times at the same bar over the next week and got to know each other more. We busily exchanged text messages and silly things via Facebook. But then I had to get my running shoes on …

One night in a drunken stupor [a week after we met] he proclaimed his love for me via text message at 2 AM. I actually said out loud “Are you fucking kidding me?” and ignored it. His perpetual “you are so beautiful” and “you have a perfect life” comments had already started wearing thin on me. I graciously accepted his compliments but yet held on to my imperfect sensibility and humble immortality – I’m not Barbie!

When I confronted the “love text” the next morning he had plenty of excuses for the behavior. I think then he realized he just created the opposite of what he intended. I’m not quite sure that I’d say I’m monogamy-impaired but I sure don’t want that noose squeezing me after a week of knowing the guy.

It happened again last week! I’m talking to a man and we get along GREAT. Yet before we even meet, he’s talking about how amazing I am and that he can’t believe I’m single … and how he wants to take a trip with me in October.  What the fuck dude?! What happened to dating and the elusive chase? The physical gestures and “I’m fucking you tonight” looks? He killed the first date before it even happened. I can’t fall for someone I’ve never met – just can’t do it.

Where have all the great guys gone?  Oh yeah, they are taken… or too far away … or just plain old American.

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie

The hammer never hit the nail

Playing the dating game on the internet can be a ton of fun and allows for more variety than running into someone on the street, but it sure makes the vetting process a bitch. After getting through all the usual lifestyle preference questions, The Latino Bull and I realized we might be a good match – The reason for the nickname is forthcoming. I thought it would be a super fun encounter and I hate missed opportunities so we made plans to meet.

The Latino Bull  is a few years older than me. He has the typical “dark” Latino look; a great, open and honest personality and whit that I really enjoy. He has a super sexy voice and a great smile. I need to be attracted to “personality” of someone in order to be attracted to them physically. The Frenchie is a good example of this … not a “10” in attraction but I adore everything about him on the inside – and he’s one of the best lovers I’ve ever been with. The Latino Bull is not a “10” but I was thinking positive at this point – we can always do things doggie style, right?

The Latino Bull was a really below-average lover – I could not fucking believe it. He’s not a very creative kisser and did not seem like much of a boob man, which is a letdown for me. I love touching, teasing, kissing and licking and he’s just too dry and business-like for me. It was as if he had a fucking catcher’s mitt on his hand. He seems completely unaware of female anatomy – how does this happen? My vagina was the “china shop” and he was The Latino Bull. He has the tools but doesn’t know how to use them! It made me think of this quote:

“Many hammer all over the wall and believe that with each blow they hit the nail on the head.”

He missed the mark for sure. Send that man back to Female Anatomy 101! For his own sake, as well as all his future lovers. This one hits the One Date Wonders list for sure. This one might even be remembered as The Great Latino Letdown of 2011. Pass the tequila please!

~Globe Trotter in Lingerie

Here’s one you can sing along to

(As sung to the tune of 12 Days of Christmas)

“On the 12th day of no communication, my lover said to me …”

Seriously? 12 days after our date PB&H writes:  “Sorry for the delayed response. I hope you are doing well. I really enjoyed the kiss we shared last time and hope it won’t be the last.”

Are you kidding me? Sorry buddy but you haven’t crossed my mind much and I got more tongue from my 2nd grade “crush” than I did from you on the 2nd date. Good luck with that purse fetish.


Yet another completely confusing date

Even after my own inner voice said not to, I agreed to another date with PB&H. Part of me is just so damn curious about the guy I just can’t stay away … it’s a bit like staring at a car wreck. There are so many things about this man that indicate he is gay, and yet he tells me he dreams about having sex with me?

We get along great and we never lack conversation. Our viewpoints on things are almost always equal and he’s incredibly fun to spend time with. But this is what stumps me … there’s not a drop of physical interaction. He stands close to me in public and actually did take my arm once when walking into a restaurant for lunch but that’s about it. A basic hug hello and goodbye, and just a short peck on my lips and he walked out the door. I’m dying to know if there is more to this Latin Lover and he’s just holding back. The curiosity is killing me.

I’m so bad at taking the bull by the horns and pursuing someone but maybe I should just for giggles. At this point I really wish I was able to banter with him, joke around and do a whole lot more flirting. It’s pretty damn stale. No wet panties from this one.

I think I need a good exit strategy and a business plan for the next Romeo.


PB & H

I’m not sure where to start with the oddity of this man. He’s a Puerto Rican, ex-Marine, twice-divorced, Atheist that grew up in the Bronx and is now a Hairdresser in a small town. It’s not a bad combination, he’s a ton of fun, so I’m dubbing him PB & H. One of my favorite sandwiches as a little girl was peanut butter and honey (NOT jelly or jam) on bread. Cut crossways of course.

He’s one of the most clean-cut men I’ve met and he is very aware of fashion, appearances and everything that usually is associated with a woman’s way of thinking. He feels that he is a woman mentally displaced in a man’s body but he’s very attracted to women. This is the kind of guy that will go shopping for bags, shoes, dresses and read Cosmo with you. It is a bit creepy for me. I’m more into manly men.

He’s peanut butter because he makes you “stick” to him. It’s really hard not to like this guy. He’s well-spoken, educated, very adorable and has a crass sense of humor. I could spend hours with him and never get bored. He’s honey because he’s as sweet as the day is long. He cries during sad or traumatic parts of movies and I truly think he would treat the right woman like a total princess and let her rule his world.

As much as I loved my PB & H sandwiches as a child, I grew up and moved on. He admitted that he cheated on both his wives, does not believe in marriage and does not actually want to be in a relationship, but he doesn’t seem to want the casual sex thing either. He does not believe people can actually fall in love and he really does not enjoy physical contact and lacks compassion. I think I feel sorry for his Ex’s!  I believe the first date with this one is also the last. I have not struck out in a long time so I’m back to the bench and rethinking my strategy.


What man does not like a blowjob?

I mean really, come on! The Boob Man said in no uncertain terms on our first and second dates that he was very much into giving but not receiving when it came to oral sex. I made a mental note of it but pushed to the side for more immediate and relevant matters. But then I had a light bulb moment … he expressed quite an urgency for it to be dark as soon as we started being intimate. And then I found my way to his penis. His size AA battery penis to be exact. Oh good grief he was tiny. I’m surely willing to work with things that are aroused and hard but this was a piece of over-cooked penne pasta in my fingers. Ugh! That was the end of that and I haven’t heard from him since. I love sex jokes … but not when the joke is on me!


You know you’re single if…

… calling him by the wrong name is a legitimate concern. (Can’t go wrong with “baby”)

… you’ve ever found The Missing Condom from last week’s boy while in bed with this week’s boy and surreptitiously hid it in the pillowcase so you don’t have to answer uncomfortable questions. (Oh, don’t be a weeny. It was unwrapped but unused.)

… his brother nearly walks in on the two of you on the floor of his living room and later wants to know how one of your socks got to be on the shelf with the wineglasses in the kitchen. (I actually have no idea either.)

… on the second date, he tells you that he understands that you’re going through a “whoring phase” and you can’t really argue with that. (Secretly pleased that he cottoned on so quickly.)

… the man who wakes up in your bed on Wednesday morning is not the man who kissed you good-bye on Tuesday morning, and Wednesday’s man has to be reminded of how Tuesday night’s date went. (Dinner was delicious. No, we did not have sex. Yes, you drank too much and passed out on my couch.)

OK, best 3 out of 5. Can you add your own to the list?

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

The Seven Deadly Sins of Dating

The Bitches have all contributed to create “The Seven Deadlies“… deal-breaker traits often evident even on a first date! Can you add to our list? Have you had any experience with any of these Seven Deadlies? Have you ever committed one (or more that one)? If so, please comment and share!


1.) Unavailable. Stuck on his ex. Totally immersed in work. Seeing other women. Married. Caught up in personal problems. In jail. Overseas. Gay (obviously, deal-breaker only for straight people!). Addictions.

2.) Apathy. Boring. Uninterested in me. No ambition, drive, or imagination. No skills or ability to challenge someone for opinions. Incapable of making a mark in society.

3.) No attraction. OK, you can’t help what your mama gave you. But the way you present yourself, the worth you place on yourself, and your character shine through and can make a plain person extremely magnetic. Looks really aren’t everything, even if first impressions are! The presence of any of the 7 Deadlies can make even the most gorgeous person unattractive.

4.) Inauthentic.  Lack of self-awareness. The “slick” guy. Hypocrisy. Insincerity. Passive-aggressiveness. Dishonesty.

5.) Inconsideration. Monopolizing the conversation. Rude to the waiter. Oblivious to my comfort/discomfort. Making jokes in poor taste. Checking your phone. Road rage. Selfishness, arrogance, or making assumptions about what I’m thinking.

6.) No Spine. Lack of confidence. Desperation. Trying too hard to please. Running yourself down. Being “too nice.” Always apologizing for everything. Clingy. The 10,000 texts/calls syndrome. Inability to make decisions or think for yourself. Allowing someone else to run your life for you. Mama’s boys.

7.) Controlling/Inflexible. Steering actions and thoughts to his advantage. No attempt to try new things but instead always having to have it “his way.” Unfortunately, this is one isn’t always apparent on a first date, as most people are on best behavior when they first meet you. But if you observe carefully there are often red flags.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws), with Globe Trotter in Lingerie & Not Yer Bitch