My sexual dating diatribe

Him:
So, what are you all about? What are you looking for on here?

Me:
Hmmm… that’s a loaded question. I’m not sure what I’m looking for on [insert ridiculous internet dating site name here] specifically … I have yet to find it.

From a life perspective, I’m looking for someone challenging enough to keep me interested; love life, sex and good times as much as I do — if it leads to more, then I’m interested. I’d love to be lost in a moment with someone and really have them care for me as much as I do for them … and be really sexually compatible.  I haven’t figured out if that’s too much to expect or realistic of another human being. Did I mention I like sex?

I’ve been deeply in love and I’ve had my share of flings that were as forgettable as a rainstorm. I’m okay with a great friend (with benefits) to spend time with too. After all, “dinner for one” night after night gets a little boring!

I keep giving it another shot until I find it. It’s the hard-headed redhead in me that refuses to give up. Bottoms up!

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie

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Evolution of online dating

It’s funny how my online dating experiences have evolved and I also see it in other profiles.

There’s that guy that is so possessive of himself that he gives off this giant “chip on the shoulder” attitude in his profile. He’s so adamant about a woman not “changing” him that he just puts it all out there. He’s the “I burp, I fart, I don’t have a job, I live with my mother and I don’t care what the fuck you think” kind of guy. I’m glad he’s confident in himself but I can’t imagine him ever giving a shit about me enough to even go on a date with that kind of attitude. What’s the point of even having a profile if you just want to be with yourself?

I consistently see folks that write “no drama and no games” in their profiles. How realistic and likely is this? Just because they met someone and fell for them hard and then got their heart broken they have now labeled it as a “game”? Perhaps the other person just didn’t see the world like they do and was unable to return the same feelings, emotions or physical connection. What is wrong with that?

Why would you WANT to be with someone that did not feel the same about you? Breaking up is hard but a necessity at that point – hearts mend over time. Don’t get mad because someone isn’t “right” for you.

The most boring clichés of online profiles:
– I’m laid back
– I’m easy-going
– I work hard and play hard too
– I don’t want drama or games
– I have a great sense of humor
– I’ve never done this before and I’m “just looking”

And then there’s the quintessential bathroom self-portrait … those just kill me. At least meeting people in bars was social interaction, with this online stuff I feel like I’m only getting lucky with my computer screen.

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie

the first and last date

I’ve been the queen of One Hit Wonders and they are so frustrating. Even in my supreme efforts to vet each and every man prior to that first meeting I’ve been striking out lately. It all started with a guy I met about a year ago at a bar …

My coworker and I decided to bring our laptops to a local pub since our building lost power in a storm. Why not work and drink, right? We were chatting it up and I decided to ask her feedback on my online dating profile. A few beers later we were sending sassy messages to men and laughing very loudly at the bar. A rather cute man sat down next to me and asked what was so funny. I showed him our drunken shenanigans and he joined in too.

A few hours later I’d completely hit it off with this guy at the bar! It turned out that we were in the same career and had a lot in common. He was well-spoken, my age and from outside appearances, a GREAT guy. We met up a few times at the same bar over the next week and got to know each other more. We busily exchanged text messages and silly things via Facebook. But then I had to get my running shoes on …

One night in a drunken stupor [a week after we met] he proclaimed his love for me via text message at 2 AM. I actually said out loud “Are you fucking kidding me?” and ignored it. His perpetual “you are so beautiful” and “you have a perfect life” comments had already started wearing thin on me. I graciously accepted his compliments but yet held on to my imperfect sensibility and humble immortality – I’m not Barbie!

When I confronted the “love text” the next morning he had plenty of excuses for the behavior. I think then he realized he just created the opposite of what he intended. I’m not quite sure that I’d say I’m monogamy-impaired but I sure don’t want that noose squeezing me after a week of knowing the guy.

It happened again last week! I’m talking to a man and we get along GREAT. Yet before we even meet, he’s talking about how amazing I am and that he can’t believe I’m single … and how he wants to take a trip with me in October.  What the fuck dude?! What happened to dating and the elusive chase? The physical gestures and “I’m fucking you tonight” looks? He killed the first date before it even happened. I can’t fall for someone I’ve never met – just can’t do it.

Where have all the great guys gone?  Oh yeah, they are taken… or too far away … or just plain old American.

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie

The Faux wine snob needs a cork in his …

Sex Kitten is still courting The Storyteller like he’s a babe in a stroller. I’m having a hard time getting over the fact that I was having sex with my first boyfriend and he was in diapers – it’s creepy.  I made dinner for the three of us and proceeded to down a bottle of Ménage à Trois at the dinner table. Fucking irony in a bottle!

One of my pet peeves is “faux snobs” that think they know everything about quality wines and beers and yet they pour themselves a Bud Light or a Sutter Home White Zinfandel. Classy, real classy. Does your mobile home have “rims” buddy? And he was desperately trying to convince me that Guinness is a great beer … after I already agreed on that fact. He must be Sherlock Fucking Holmes.

One of the first things in the dinner conversation was The Storyteller‘s previous endeavors as a “stripper”. I almost spit my wine out of my nose. He’s the furthest thing I’ve seen from stripper material I’ve ever seen in my lifetime. Do they work for pennies here? Half pennies? He did mention he hated tomatoes … now I know why. I would be throwing them at him for sure.

After that crazy dinner I lamented the fact that I have 4 married men that would fuck me, but yet no real promising single men waiting in the shadows. It’s getting a bit frustrating now. I desperately logged into my online dating accounts and returned some messages tonight. I guess I’ll see where that goes – they are all normal looking Americans.

~Globe Trotter in Lingerie

p.s. I forgot to give Sex Kitten the Bad Decision Tiara (BDT) back … she’s surely earned it on this one. Interesting that she can’t come up with a blog post but yet I’ve never heard a kind word spoken about him. Hmmmm?

The hammer never hit the nail

Playing the dating game on the internet can be a ton of fun and allows for more variety than running into someone on the street, but it sure makes the vetting process a bitch. After getting through all the usual lifestyle preference questions, The Latino Bull and I realized we might be a good match – The reason for the nickname is forthcoming. I thought it would be a super fun encounter and I hate missed opportunities so we made plans to meet.

The Latino Bull  is a few years older than me. He has the typical “dark” Latino look; a great, open and honest personality and whit that I really enjoy. He has a super sexy voice and a great smile. I need to be attracted to “personality” of someone in order to be attracted to them physically. The Frenchie is a good example of this … not a “10” in attraction but I adore everything about him on the inside – and he’s one of the best lovers I’ve ever been with. The Latino Bull is not a “10” but I was thinking positive at this point – we can always do things doggie style, right?

The Latino Bull was a really below-average lover – I could not fucking believe it. He’s not a very creative kisser and did not seem like much of a boob man, which is a letdown for me. I love touching, teasing, kissing and licking and he’s just too dry and business-like for me. It was as if he had a fucking catcher’s mitt on his hand. He seems completely unaware of female anatomy – how does this happen? My vagina was the “china shop” and he was The Latino Bull. He has the tools but doesn’t know how to use them! It made me think of this quote:

“Many hammer all over the wall and believe that with each blow they hit the nail on the head.”

He missed the mark for sure. Send that man back to Female Anatomy 101! For his own sake, as well as all his future lovers. This one hits the One Date Wonders list for sure. This one might even be remembered as The Great Latino Letdown of 2011. Pass the tequila please!

~Globe Trotter in Lingerie

Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe….

The online dating scene is looking fairly bleak, ladies and gents.

Potential Date #1 (after I requested that he tell me an interesting story about himself):

I once woke up at a mortician’s house being accused of stealing drugs that he would smuggle in the bodies. I also didn’t know where I was.

My Response: Impressive, no grammatical or spelling errors. Wait… WHAT THE FUCK?!

Potential Date #2 (sent at 4:32 in the morning. Yes, I notice these things):

Hi, I read your profile 3 times. It is amazing. So how are you?

My Response: Creeeeeppppperrrrrrrrrrr. OK, I can deal with socially awkward (hell, I SPECIALIZE in socially awkward), but I can’t do stalkers. Which one are you???

Potential Date #3:

Hey, this is a public service message. I was looking at your profile and on the side bar there were suggestions for others users being compared to you. All of them were described as “less kinky” or “less desiring of sex.” I’m not sure what you put in your profile but somehow this dating site seems to think you’re a freak. You seem like a nice girl and I thought you should know. lol

My Response: Very smooth. Do you need a sponsor for Sex Addicts Anonymous? I can hook you up.

And from The Cinematographer. No, that’s not what he’s best known for… he’ll have to be known as Dick Pic now:

Hey, hot sauce… how you been?

My Response: ‘Bout the same since you texted me naked photos of yourself and set up three dates with me all of which you either canceled or didn’t confirm, resulting in me standing you up. You?

Sigh… it’s a jungle out there, and most of the animals are fucking retarded.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

Here’s one you can sing along to

(As sung to the tune of 12 Days of Christmas)

“On the 12th day of no communication, my lover said to me …”

Seriously? 12 days after our date PB&H writes:  “Sorry for the delayed response. I hope you are doing well. I really enjoyed the kiss we shared last time and hope it won’t be the last.”

Are you kidding me? Sorry buddy but you haven’t crossed my mind much and I got more tongue from my 2nd grade “crush” than I did from you on the 2nd date. Good luck with that purse fetish.

~GTiL

My advice to men for online dating profiles

“I’m open to anyone” means you just want to get laid. Which is fine, that’s what most of us want in a relationship too, but for real buddy, have some standards.

Put some effort into your photos. Get a haircut, comb it and put some decent clothes on (that fit you) and then get a friend to take the shot. It’s not news to your friend you are single and they probably want you to get laid as much as you do. Do not take a photo of you sitting in your car or in the mirror of the Burger King bathroom. Have some standards. And for the sake of all women (and men) out there, keep your shirt on!

Smile in the picture … don’t scowl as if you’ve just been arrested. It’s really unattractive.

Don’t use photos of you hanging out at a bar with two hot chicks on either side of you … unless I’m one of the chicks it’s unimpressive.

Don’t type in ALL CAPS, no caps or without punctuation. I don’t care if you are on your “smart” phone … it’s clearly smarter than you at this point. And yes, grammar and spelling counts too.

Avoid the ridiculous clichés of “I’m a glass half full kinda guy” or “I’m gonna treat you like my queen” and “I’m not into playing games” and the classic “I’m a nice guy looking for a nice girl”. It’s all fucking boring and overused.

Your profile really is the first impression of who you are. If it’s short and impersonal it’s likely you will be overlooked and ignored. Be creative and have fun with it!

Good luck to you, it’s a jungle out there!

~GTiL

One Date Wonders

As promised, a summary of the guys that never made it to date number two. Which ties in nicely to the October 13th 2011 post, The Seven Deadly Sins of Dating.

The Bore. This date was actually several years ago, but it stands out in my mind as a really disappointing date because he was the poster child for the first of the Seven Deadly Sins of Dating… apathy. The Bore was very good looking, tall and dark with striking features. He drove a nice car and was intelligent. But he had no spark, no curiosity about the world. We went to a children’s science museum for Pete’s sake. And he showed no enthusiasm, wonder, or play. Not at the giant bubble blowing station. Not at the naked mole rats. Not at the lightning in a bottle. Nothing. Buh-bye!

The Activist. Oh, this one looked really good on paper. Passionate, worldly, liberal, literate. Not exactly easy to come by in my zip code! But he fell immediately victim to the most vicious of the deadlies: No attraction. He was not bad looking, but just something about the way he carried himself was completely unappealing. Guy (The Buddy) told me once that the first subconscious thought a women has when she sees a man is “Would I sleep with him?” I’m not sure if science backs him up, but certainly in this case I can, and the answer was a resounding Not a snowball’s chance in Hell.

The Soldier. I just think The Soldier was not the sharpest tack in the bulletin board. I usually do a better job of weeding the stupid ones out, but this one slipped through due to his fun flirty sense of humor and my need for a distraction in the weeks following Chris (The Unattainable) leaving. I was regretting this date the moment I met him. He was wearing cowboy boots in an attempt to impress me because he knew I liked horses. And it went downhill from there. I actually would have felt sorry for the guy if he were more likable. He unwittingly took me to the last restaurant I’d been to with Chris, where the same server was wearing the same dress, and The Soldier even ordered the same thing that Chris had! This was the one and only time I went home and cried after a first date, which is actually probably pretty good considering how many I’ve been on this year.

The Cop. This guy turned out to totally exceed my expectations (which were admittedly in the toilet), and it was my fault that there was no second date on this one. He is the only one of these One Date Wonders who would have gotten a second date if he had asked.

The Nice Guy. Texting me after the date, he actually said, “I’m so grateful that a woman as attractive as you would agree to spend time with me.” And I think I felt so bad for him at that point that I said, “Do yourself a favor and don’t ever say that again! Pretty girls can smell insecurity and they will walk all over you.” The Deadly? You guessed it… #6 No Spine.

The Storm Chaser. Guilty of Sin #3: no attraction. Like The Activist, he sounded fascinating, well-traveled, adventurous, and intelligent. And he probably was all of these things, but they were totally obscured by his lack of ability to carry on a comfortable conversation. He was so socially awkward it was painful.  He looked at least 15 years older than he was and he moved very stiffly from an old car accident. Poor guy… he’s got an uphill battle ahead of him on the dating scene.

The Cinematographer (AKA “the Dick Pic”). I never actually met this one, but he gets an honorable mention as the subject of the previous post The Art of the Dick Pic and because I wasted a fair amount of time on this one because he texted me repeatedly and we even set up 3 dates all of which fell through. If there were an 8th Deadly Sin of Flakiness, this guy would have it nailed down for sure! I adore the artistic temperament, but The Cinematographer took it to an extreme, and I blew him off shaking my head in wonder the whole time.

PB & H

I’m not sure where to start with the oddity of this man. He’s a Puerto Rican, ex-Marine, twice-divorced, Atheist that grew up in the Bronx and is now a Hairdresser in a small town. It’s not a bad combination, he’s a ton of fun, so I’m dubbing him PB & H. One of my favorite sandwiches as a little girl was peanut butter and honey (NOT jelly or jam) on bread. Cut crossways of course.

He’s one of the most clean-cut men I’ve met and he is very aware of fashion, appearances and everything that usually is associated with a woman’s way of thinking. He feels that he is a woman mentally displaced in a man’s body but he’s very attracted to women. This is the kind of guy that will go shopping for bags, shoes, dresses and read Cosmo with you. It is a bit creepy for me. I’m more into manly men.

He’s peanut butter because he makes you “stick” to him. It’s really hard not to like this guy. He’s well-spoken, educated, very adorable and has a crass sense of humor. I could spend hours with him and never get bored. He’s honey because he’s as sweet as the day is long. He cries during sad or traumatic parts of movies and I truly think he would treat the right woman like a total princess and let her rule his world.

As much as I loved my PB & H sandwiches as a child, I grew up and moved on. He admitted that he cheated on both his wives, does not believe in marriage and does not actually want to be in a relationship, but he doesn’t seem to want the casual sex thing either. He does not believe people can actually fall in love and he really does not enjoy physical contact and lacks compassion. I think I feel sorry for his Ex’s!  I believe the first date with this one is also the last. I have not struck out in a long time so I’m back to the bench and rethinking my strategy.

~GTiL

There’s no lame pick-up line for this one

I just had a pretty memorable first date with guy that had me laughing and entertained the entire time. I found him online at one of the typical dating sites. We met up at a cheesy small-town festival with oodles of heart-attack-inducing fried foods and music from a cover band with members that all looked like they were going through their second mid-life crisis.

I really love the heart-pounding excitement of seeing a person’s face for the first time when you already know a bit about them. It’s nothing like seeing someone in a bar, coffee-shop or the local store. I already knew he met the typical credentials on my list, but it’s refreshing to be attracted to them and already know you have a shot of falling for them.

He’s all boy. He looked at my titties right away. I honestly can’t blame him and that’s a nice way to know he’s not a prude. We’d done our share of flirting via text prior to the date so I already knew he had a good sense of humor.

The festival was a total bore so we set out in his vehicle to a “place” that he had up his sleeve. Was this a potential “lets make out like high-schoolers” kind of thing? Yup, it sure was! It was secluded, quiet and we sat and listened to music while we got to know each other a bit more.

As soon as it got dark we got out of the car and danced under the stars to his music. He’d been planning revenge on me until this time for being 17 minutes late for our date. My “punishment” was him pushing me up against the car and kissing me — I like him already!

So we made out like high-schoolers under the stars, until we got cold and feasted-on by mosquitoes. I’m officially calling him The Boob Man because he’s got an amazing sex drive and could not keep his hands off me. A few indicators in the conversation gave me the idea that he’s into some kinky stuff so this might be just my kind of adventure! One thing that threw me off a little was that he loves giving oral sex but is not that into receiving it. WTF? I’m scratching my head on that one.

He’s not a foreigner but he has an accent from another state … does that qualify just a little? Bring it on Boob Man!

~GTiL

p.s. He’s a GREAT kisser too!  🙂

Funny texts with strangers

Me: There’s 4 of us in this small house – it’s a zoo!
Him: Who are the 4?
Me: Dog, 2 cats and me – all girls!
Him: Sounds like u ladies may need a man around!
Me: Someone to keep us in line would be nice.
Him: That may be a hell of a task!
Me: 3 of the 4 are redheads. You’d have your work cut out for you.
Him: Wow. I like a challenge.
Me: I can be challenging but I guarantee it will be fun.
Him: It will be! Guaranteed!
Me: Is there fine print involved?
Him: No, just your standard 10-page dating agreement.
Me: Fabulous. Did I mention I’m really good at breaking rules and getting away with it?
Him: Well, under my agreement that behaviour is rewarded. I’m sure those sexy eyes have a lot to do with you getting away with stuff.
Me: Sounds like my kind of agreement. It’s usually my smile that breaks the rule.
Him: I better have my guard up. Who knows what I might be talked into doing.
Me: Nothing that you haven’t already talked yourself into. 🙂
Him: Good point.

He seems to have a good sense of humor for someone I’ve never met!

~GTiL

Online Dating

Since January of this year, I have been on twelve (and counting!) first dates with men that I’ve met online. For an INFP (Myers-Briggs, go check it out if you haven’t already) like me, walking up to an attractive stranger in a bar and starting up a conversation is about as appealing as cutting off my own ears and eating them. So after spending my twenties either not dating at all or in one of two long(ish) term monogamous relationships, I decided that if I was going to try the dating lifestyle, I was going to need some help. Lacking The Perfect Wing Woman (I hadn’t met GTiL yet), I took a deep breath and signed up for online dating.

There are two things that I really like about meeting new people: one is finding a spark of familiarity in a stranger (makes the world seem friendlier and less lonely), and the other is discovering something new about a subject I haven’t thought much about before (makes the world seem wider and more exciting).

What I don’t like about meeting new people is how often I am disappointed by the lack of intelligence, curiosity, enthusiasm, and/or self-awareness that make so many people unappealing to get to know.

Sigh. It’s lonely in the top percentiles, and then you have to contend with the arrogance of intellectual snobs like me.

So many people had boring, uninspired or defensive things to say online… but at least I could weed them out with the computer screen as a buffer. While most first dates have not resulted in a second date, I am pleased to report that I have yet to go on a really unpleasant first date. My self-confidence has increased exponentially, from last-minute buying of shoes (because two hours before the date I realized every single pair I owned was totally unacceptable!) and shaking knees on that first January date to pitying the poor fool across the table from me sweating and shredding his napkin while I kindly helped him remember his first name.

Social skills are a learned behavior, not something extroverts are born with and the rest of us suffer without. Dating is like anything else: it takes practice. Online sites can act as a welcome icebreaker or introduction. But  before you invest your heart and soul or wet your panties corresponding ad naseum online… take him out for dinner and make sure he isn’t Fool’s Gold.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)