Evolution of online dating

It’s funny how my online dating experiences have evolved and I also see it in other profiles.

There’s that guy that is so possessive of himself that he gives off this giant “chip on the shoulder” attitude in his profile. He’s so adamant about a woman not “changing” him that he just puts it all out there. He’s the “I burp, I fart, I don’t have a job, I live with my mother and I don’t care what the fuck you think” kind of guy. I’m glad he’s confident in himself but I can’t imagine him ever giving a shit about me enough to even go on a date with that kind of attitude. What’s the point of even having a profile if you just want to be with yourself?

I consistently see folks that write “no drama and no games” in their profiles. How realistic and likely is this? Just because they met someone and fell for them hard and then got their heart broken they have now labeled it as a “game”? Perhaps the other person just didn’t see the world like they do and was unable to return the same feelings, emotions or physical connection. What is wrong with that?

Why would you WANT to be with someone that did not feel the same about you? Breaking up is hard but a necessity at that point – hearts mend over time. Don’t get mad because someone isn’t “right” for you.

The most boring clichés of online profiles:
– I’m laid back
– I’m easy-going
– I work hard and play hard too
– I don’t want drama or games
– I have a great sense of humor
– I’ve never done this before and I’m “just looking”

And then there’s the quintessential bathroom self-portrait … those just kill me. At least meeting people in bars was social interaction, with this online stuff I feel like I’m only getting lucky with my computer screen.

~ Globe Trotter in Lingerie


Dating a Liar

See, the thing is that most people would list “honesty” as one of the top things they want in a partner. But in fact, everybody lies. We lie to avoid conflict, we lie to present ourselves in a better light, we lie to get what we want. So I’m not surprised when I catch a man in a lie. But sometimes the lies are so outlandish or so unnecessary that I am mystified. What on earth would possess an intelligent person to tell such a stupid fib?

The past three winners have told me A.) that he was doing cocaine but kicked the habit (trying to excuse bad behavior & get me back), B.) that he had slept with two girls when in fact he was a virgin (trying to avoid embarrassment), and C.) that he had a girlfriend, and then that he was moving to New York (trying to make me jealous and then trying to shock me into confessing my nonexistent feeling for him). All understandable motivations, so really what bothered me the most was that these guys would think that I would believe them. OK, I’m trusting, even gullible perhaps, but I’m not dumb.

Fast forward to this week, and I’ve gone on two dates with Jay. Let’s call him The Story Teller. If you believe everything he tells you, he’s lived an amazing life filled to bursting with exceptional experiences … home-schooled until he graduated from high school at 16 when he began college with the dream of becoming a surgeon, professional dancer, raped repeatedly as a child, engaged to be married twice by the age of 17 (once to a woman 10 years his senior, once to a girl pregnant with another man’s baby who miscarried when her father threw her down some stairs), ex-member of a cult (which he escaped by physically fighting his way out), experimented with gay sex, ex-stripper, twice attempted suicide, survived multiple drug overdoses and alcohol poisoning, now a dance instructor and aspiring professional pool player and psychology major and juvenile addiction counselor. And perhaps strangest of all, willing and eager even to talk about all of these things on a first and second date with a virtual stranger.

So if he’s lying, or at least strongly embellishing his life story, why? Is he a pathological liar that can’t help himself? Is his confidence so low that he thinks he needs to have all these tragic or exotic stories to be interesting? This is a 6’5″ well built, very attractive, well-spoken and well-written thoughtful and courteous 24 year old with a job(s), a car, and pursuing a masters degree. Granted, he lives with his parents but he’s 24 not 34 and going to school, so that’s not so bad.

I am utterly fascinated, totally bemused, and extremely wary. There will be no saying later that I didn’t see the red flags if it all blows up in my face. But I’m going down the rabbit hole… Liar or not, I’m hopelessly hooked.

So later, feel free to tell me, “I told me so.”

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

The hammer never hit the nail

Playing the dating game on the internet can be a ton of fun and allows for more variety than running into someone on the street, but it sure makes the vetting process a bitch. After getting through all the usual lifestyle preference questions, The Latino Bull and I realized we might be a good match – The reason for the nickname is forthcoming. I thought it would be a super fun encounter and I hate missed opportunities so we made plans to meet.

The Latino Bull  is a few years older than me. He has the typical “dark” Latino look; a great, open and honest personality and whit that I really enjoy. He has a super sexy voice and a great smile. I need to be attracted to “personality” of someone in order to be attracted to them physically. The Frenchie is a good example of this … not a “10” in attraction but I adore everything about him on the inside – and he’s one of the best lovers I’ve ever been with. The Latino Bull is not a “10” but I was thinking positive at this point – we can always do things doggie style, right?

The Latino Bull was a really below-average lover – I could not fucking believe it. He’s not a very creative kisser and did not seem like much of a boob man, which is a letdown for me. I love touching, teasing, kissing and licking and he’s just too dry and business-like for me. It was as if he had a fucking catcher’s mitt on his hand. He seems completely unaware of female anatomy – how does this happen? My vagina was the “china shop” and he was The Latino Bull. He has the tools but doesn’t know how to use them! It made me think of this quote:

“Many hammer all over the wall and believe that with each blow they hit the nail on the head.”

He missed the mark for sure. Send that man back to Female Anatomy 101! For his own sake, as well as all his future lovers. This one hits the One Date Wonders list for sure. This one might even be remembered as The Great Latino Letdown of 2011. Pass the tequila please!

~Globe Trotter in Lingerie

Yet another completely confusing date

Even after my own inner voice said not to, I agreed to another date with PB&H. Part of me is just so damn curious about the guy I just can’t stay away … it’s a bit like staring at a car wreck. There are so many things about this man that indicate he is gay, and yet he tells me he dreams about having sex with me?

We get along great and we never lack conversation. Our viewpoints on things are almost always equal and he’s incredibly fun to spend time with. But this is what stumps me … there’s not a drop of physical interaction. He stands close to me in public and actually did take my arm once when walking into a restaurant for lunch but that’s about it. A basic hug hello and goodbye, and just a short peck on my lips and he walked out the door. I’m dying to know if there is more to this Latin Lover and he’s just holding back. The curiosity is killing me.

I’m so bad at taking the bull by the horns and pursuing someone but maybe I should just for giggles. At this point I really wish I was able to banter with him, joke around and do a whole lot more flirting. It’s pretty damn stale. No wet panties from this one.

I think I need a good exit strategy and a business plan for the next Romeo.


One Date Wonders

As promised, a summary of the guys that never made it to date number two. Which ties in nicely to the October 13th 2011 post, The Seven Deadly Sins of Dating.

The Bore. This date was actually several years ago, but it stands out in my mind as a really disappointing date because he was the poster child for the first of the Seven Deadly Sins of Dating… apathy. The Bore was very good looking, tall and dark with striking features. He drove a nice car and was intelligent. But he had no spark, no curiosity about the world. We went to a children’s science museum for Pete’s sake. And he showed no enthusiasm, wonder, or play. Not at the giant bubble blowing station. Not at the naked mole rats. Not at the lightning in a bottle. Nothing. Buh-bye!

The Activist. Oh, this one looked really good on paper. Passionate, worldly, liberal, literate. Not exactly easy to come by in my zip code! But he fell immediately victim to the most vicious of the deadlies: No attraction. He was not bad looking, but just something about the way he carried himself was completely unappealing. Guy (The Buddy) told me once that the first subconscious thought a women has when she sees a man is “Would I sleep with him?” I’m not sure if science backs him up, but certainly in this case I can, and the answer was a resounding Not a snowball’s chance in Hell.

The Soldier. I just think The Soldier was not the sharpest tack in the bulletin board. I usually do a better job of weeding the stupid ones out, but this one slipped through due to his fun flirty sense of humor and my need for a distraction in the weeks following Chris (The Unattainable) leaving. I was regretting this date the moment I met him. He was wearing cowboy boots in an attempt to impress me because he knew I liked horses. And it went downhill from there. I actually would have felt sorry for the guy if he were more likable. He unwittingly took me to the last restaurant I’d been to with Chris, where the same server was wearing the same dress, and The Soldier even ordered the same thing that Chris had! This was the one and only time I went home and cried after a first date, which is actually probably pretty good considering how many I’ve been on this year.

The Cop. This guy turned out to totally exceed my expectations (which were admittedly in the toilet), and it was my fault that there was no second date on this one. He is the only one of these One Date Wonders who would have gotten a second date if he had asked.

The Nice Guy. Texting me after the date, he actually said, “I’m so grateful that a woman as attractive as you would agree to spend time with me.” And I think I felt so bad for him at that point that I said, “Do yourself a favor and don’t ever say that again! Pretty girls can smell insecurity and they will walk all over you.” The Deadly? You guessed it… #6 No Spine.

The Storm Chaser. Guilty of Sin #3: no attraction. Like The Activist, he sounded fascinating, well-traveled, adventurous, and intelligent. And he probably was all of these things, but they were totally obscured by his lack of ability to carry on a comfortable conversation. He was so socially awkward it was painful.  He looked at least 15 years older than he was and he moved very stiffly from an old car accident. Poor guy… he’s got an uphill battle ahead of him on the dating scene.

The Cinematographer (AKA “the Dick Pic”). I never actually met this one, but he gets an honorable mention as the subject of the previous post The Art of the Dick Pic and because I wasted a fair amount of time on this one because he texted me repeatedly and we even set up 3 dates all of which fell through. If there were an 8th Deadly Sin of Flakiness, this guy would have it nailed down for sure! I adore the artistic temperament, but The Cinematographer took it to an extreme, and I blew him off shaking my head in wonder the whole time.

PB & H

I’m not sure where to start with the oddity of this man. He’s a Puerto Rican, ex-Marine, twice-divorced, Atheist that grew up in the Bronx and is now a Hairdresser in a small town. It’s not a bad combination, he’s a ton of fun, so I’m dubbing him PB & H. One of my favorite sandwiches as a little girl was peanut butter and honey (NOT jelly or jam) on bread. Cut crossways of course.

He’s one of the most clean-cut men I’ve met and he is very aware of fashion, appearances and everything that usually is associated with a woman’s way of thinking. He feels that he is a woman mentally displaced in a man’s body but he’s very attracted to women. This is the kind of guy that will go shopping for bags, shoes, dresses and read Cosmo with you. It is a bit creepy for me. I’m more into manly men.

He’s peanut butter because he makes you “stick” to him. It’s really hard not to like this guy. He’s well-spoken, educated, very adorable and has a crass sense of humor. I could spend hours with him and never get bored. He’s honey because he’s as sweet as the day is long. He cries during sad or traumatic parts of movies and I truly think he would treat the right woman like a total princess and let her rule his world.

As much as I loved my PB & H sandwiches as a child, I grew up and moved on. He admitted that he cheated on both his wives, does not believe in marriage and does not actually want to be in a relationship, but he doesn’t seem to want the casual sex thing either. He does not believe people can actually fall in love and he really does not enjoy physical contact and lacks compassion. I think I feel sorry for his Ex’s!  I believe the first date with this one is also the last. I have not struck out in a long time so I’m back to the bench and rethinking my strategy.


What man does not like a blowjob?

I mean really, come on! The Boob Man said in no uncertain terms on our first and second dates that he was very much into giving but not receiving when it came to oral sex. I made a mental note of it but pushed to the side for more immediate and relevant matters. But then I had a light bulb moment … he expressed quite an urgency for it to be dark as soon as we started being intimate. And then I found my way to his penis. His size AA battery penis to be exact. Oh good grief he was tiny. I’m surely willing to work with things that are aroused and hard but this was a piece of over-cooked penne pasta in my fingers. Ugh! That was the end of that and I haven’t heard from him since. I love sex jokes … but not when the joke is on me!


You know you’re single if…

… calling him by the wrong name is a legitimate concern. (Can’t go wrong with “baby”)

… you’ve ever found The Missing Condom from last week’s boy while in bed with this week’s boy and surreptitiously hid it in the pillowcase so you don’t have to answer uncomfortable questions. (Oh, don’t be a weeny. It was unwrapped but unused.)

… his brother nearly walks in on the two of you on the floor of his living room and later wants to know how one of your socks got to be on the shelf with the wineglasses in the kitchen. (I actually have no idea either.)

… on the second date, he tells you that he understands that you’re going through a “whoring phase” and you can’t really argue with that. (Secretly pleased that he cottoned on so quickly.)

… the man who wakes up in your bed on Wednesday morning is not the man who kissed you good-bye on Tuesday morning, and Wednesday’s man has to be reminded of how Tuesday night’s date went. (Dinner was delicious. No, we did not have sex. Yes, you drank too much and passed out on my couch.)

OK, best 3 out of 5. Can you add your own to the list?

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

The Seven Deadly Sins of Dating

The Bitches have all contributed to create “The Seven Deadlies“… deal-breaker traits often evident even on a first date! Can you add to our list? Have you had any experience with any of these Seven Deadlies? Have you ever committed one (or more that one)? If so, please comment and share!


1.) Unavailable. Stuck on his ex. Totally immersed in work. Seeing other women. Married. Caught up in personal problems. In jail. Overseas. Gay (obviously, deal-breaker only for straight people!). Addictions.

2.) Apathy. Boring. Uninterested in me. No ambition, drive, or imagination. No skills or ability to challenge someone for opinions. Incapable of making a mark in society.

3.) No attraction. OK, you can’t help what your mama gave you. But the way you present yourself, the worth you place on yourself, and your character shine through and can make a plain person extremely magnetic. Looks really aren’t everything, even if first impressions are! The presence of any of the 7 Deadlies can make even the most gorgeous person unattractive.

4.) Inauthentic.  Lack of self-awareness. The “slick” guy. Hypocrisy. Insincerity. Passive-aggressiveness. Dishonesty.

5.) Inconsideration. Monopolizing the conversation. Rude to the waiter. Oblivious to my comfort/discomfort. Making jokes in poor taste. Checking your phone. Road rage. Selfishness, arrogance, or making assumptions about what I’m thinking.

6.) No Spine. Lack of confidence. Desperation. Trying too hard to please. Running yourself down. Being “too nice.” Always apologizing for everything. Clingy. The 10,000 texts/calls syndrome. Inability to make decisions or think for yourself. Allowing someone else to run your life for you. Mama’s boys.

7.) Controlling/Inflexible. Steering actions and thoughts to his advantage. No attempt to try new things but instead always having to have it “his way.” Unfortunately, this is one isn’t always apparent on a first date, as most people are on best behavior when they first meet you. But if you observe carefully there are often red flags.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws), with Globe Trotter in Lingerie & Not Yer Bitch

Ghosts of Dating Past

I had the weirdest experience on Wednesday. I was on my way to a date with a brand new guy, The Geocacher, when I stopped into a Starbucks to visit the little girl’s room. Who should be sitting out front on his laptop but Jose. The Bruiser. My first online dating conquest of this year, and not exactly a fond memory. I didn’t catch sight of him until it would have drawn more attention to stop and turn back than to keep walking. Shit, oh shit I hope he doesn’t look up!

But what am I afraid of? He’s not with a girl. I look great (all women know that this is the most important consideration when running into one’s exes!). We left it fine, no animosity, just discomfort when I broke up with him for reasons of um, sexual incompatibility.

He doesn’t see me. And I’m left to wonder why I am so rattled by this close encounter. And I answer myself: probably because I just left the house of one guy on my way to a first date with another, and seeing Jose is a further reminder of how many lives have intersected with mine this year without leaving a lasting imprint or anything of importance whatsoever. Kind of makes me feel insubstantial, forgettable, possibly just a figment of the imagination.

Jose is not a ghost, but I’m starting to feel like one.

Too real? Yeah… for me, too.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

You Are a Waste of Good Hair

The Geocacher of Best Date I Never Had fame is batting 1 for 3. After inviting me to go geocaching Sunday and then texting me Sunday night to say he never called because he was feeling sick Sunday morning (what, you had Can’t Pick Up The Phone-itis?!), he apologized profusely and set a dinner date for Wednesday night. We went out for sushi and had a good time… he is gregarious, worldly, funny, opinionated, and is a great story teller. He talked pretty much non-stop for the first ten minutes before pausing to take a breath to say, “Wow, you’re gorgeous. I mean, really gorgeous!” By the time I’d opened my mouth to say thank you, he was off and talking again. I chalked it up to him being nervous, and accepted when he asked me to come with him on an hour drive to a wine and beer supply shop (one of his his many fascinating hobbies is wine making) on Friday.

So Friday afternoon I showered, did my hair, picked out a cute but casual outfit and did a little bit of straightening (ie dishes out of the sink, clothes off the floor… I’m no Martha Stewart) in case he came in. I had an eye on the clock and when it was 4:30 and he’d told me the shop closes at 5:00, I knew I’d been stood up again! At 4:35 the phone rings and it’s him. He got hung up at work, he’s not permitted a cell phone at work, blah blah blah.

Do I have time for dinner? I find that I do not.

Am I busy this weekend? I find that I am.

Boys, let this be a lesson to you in GirlSpeak: if a girl doesn’t seem to have time for you, it’s not because she’s busy. You have Pissed. Her. Off.

Shape up, Geocacher!

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

The Best First Date I Never Had

This Sunday I got invited to go geo-caching with a guy that I met online. For safety I always meet new men in public, so at 10:30 we had coffee and brunch at my favorite quirky little restaurant in town. It’s in an old house and the woman who owns it greets you like her long-lost children wearing a silly hat and brandishing a wand. She is cross-eyed which adds to the oddness, and she uses the wand to clear the “aura” at the table as she seats us. I love this first date because you can learn a lot about your date watching how he reacts to her. Geocacher passes the test with the perfect blend of appreciation for the humor of the situation and kindness. He compliments my choice of restaurant, doesn’t fuss over the slow service, relishes the food, and is animated, fascinating, engaged and funny in conversation. He’s got a great laugh and this killer smile, and I can tell he’s totally into me but holding back on really outrageous flirtation because I haven’t encouraged it. Yet.

I met him inside the restaurant (I was early), so I didn’t see how he arrived. We agree that we’ll leave me car here, and as we step outside he’s grinning like the Cheshire cat watching to see my reaction to his ride… it’s a motorcycle. He hands me a second helmet with one eyebrow raised. I grin back at him. I’ve never ridden a motorcycle before, but he cleverly brought it up casually over brunch so he already knows that I want to. “Best way I could think of to get your arms around me on the first date” he says, and we’re off!

He’s got the GPS coordinates for the first stop on our geo-caching adventure. Once we arrive, we have to follow the directions to locate the cache (I’m not allowed to give specifics, geo-cachers are very secretive!). Then we are directed to the next spot. For the next three hours, we enjoy a pleasant mix of walking, talking, laughing, problem-solving, and traveling in perfect sunny fall weather. Our adventures take us off the beaten path, often to very secluded areas, but I feel totally comfortable with him by now. He drops me back at the restaurant with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, sets a second date for lunch later in the week, and follows up with a sweet text that evening thanking me for the day.

Perfect. Except it never happened. Bastard was sick and we didn’t go.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

There’s no lame pick-up line for this one

I just had a pretty memorable first date with guy that had me laughing and entertained the entire time. I found him online at one of the typical dating sites. We met up at a cheesy small-town festival with oodles of heart-attack-inducing fried foods and music from a cover band with members that all looked like they were going through their second mid-life crisis.

I really love the heart-pounding excitement of seeing a person’s face for the first time when you already know a bit about them. It’s nothing like seeing someone in a bar, coffee-shop or the local store. I already knew he met the typical credentials on my list, but it’s refreshing to be attracted to them and already know you have a shot of falling for them.

He’s all boy. He looked at my titties right away. I honestly can’t blame him and that’s a nice way to know he’s not a prude. We’d done our share of flirting via text prior to the date so I already knew he had a good sense of humor.

The festival was a total bore so we set out in his vehicle to a “place” that he had up his sleeve. Was this a potential “lets make out like high-schoolers” kind of thing? Yup, it sure was! It was secluded, quiet and we sat and listened to music while we got to know each other a bit more.

As soon as it got dark we got out of the car and danced under the stars to his music. He’d been planning revenge on me until this time for being 17 minutes late for our date. My “punishment” was him pushing me up against the car and kissing me — I like him already!

So we made out like high-schoolers under the stars, until we got cold and feasted-on by mosquitoes. I’m officially calling him The Boob Man because he’s got an amazing sex drive and could not keep his hands off me. A few indicators in the conversation gave me the idea that he’s into some kinky stuff so this might be just my kind of adventure! One thing that threw me off a little was that he loves giving oral sex but is not that into receiving it. WTF? I’m scratching my head on that one.

He’s not a foreigner but he has an accent from another state … does that qualify just a little? Bring it on Boob Man!


p.s. He’s a GREAT kisser too!  🙂

Chivalry is Dead, but Good Manners are Always “In”

I could fucking care less if you pull back my chair, open the car door, or take my arm when we cross the street. When I say I’d like to be treated as an equal, I’m not one of those women who want it both ways, crying Feminism! then smiling sweetly and pushing the bill for dinner across the table. I don’t think of myself as a girl, I’m a person. I very rarely use my sexuality to get special treatment, and when I do, I feel slightly disgusted afterward. I love men and I like flirting, but I have no patience for playing dumb or inept in a relationship. A confident, take charge type of guy is incredibly sexy, but I’m not going to shrink myself down… you will have to be that guy on your own!

Now, there is a difference between chivalry and consideration. I want you to respect me and show me care not because I am female but because you are a caring person that likes to make others feel good.

So please… introduce me when we run into someone you know. Ask me what music I’d like to listen to in the car. Pay attention when I speak and give me thoughtful gifts (not expensive… meaningful). Respect my opinions. If you don’t know what I like, ask. If I ask you to brush your teeth in the morning before you kiss me, fucking do it. Cheerfully. Bring me a glass of water without me having to ask for it. Notice when I do caring things for you. I was raised well and I am always looking for opportunities to do nice things for you. Could you please do the same?

If just once a guy would look into my eyes and ask “Can I do anything for you, darling?” after sex, it would blow my mind.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)