My Orgazmic Resolution

For New Years I always make a few… private… resolutions. And I always, always keep them.

This year I resolve to be nicer to animals. Especially cats.

Now, I have never been a cat person. When I was a teenager, my mom told me:

Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.

And that was when I pretty much decided that cats could go to hell. Every time I see one, I have to repress the urge to kick it. For me cats represent some sexually repressed boy with blue balls who finally snaps and molests his little brother or sister. They stand for every time a wife throws out her husband’s porn collection in disgust. For every good little Catholic girl’s guilty confession to a priest who is jacking off behind the screen even as he prescribes 10 Hail Marys for her absolution.

But this year, I will make my peace with cats. I resolve to pet the kitty every chance I get.

No, that’s not enough. Fully embracing kitty cat welfare needs to become a global movement. I will write President Obama and propose that January be declared Pussy ‘Ppreciation Month. Everyone should think of nice things they could do for the pussy in their life. Perhaps they could buy it some new toys. Maybe give it a good grooming. Some pussies love to be teased with a feather. Stroke your kitty until it purrs. Gentleman should take note of the way the cat uses its tongue to clean itself, and perhaps offer to help any pussies that aren’t able to do this for themselves.

Gotta go. As Gandhi said, be the change you wish to see in the world. I’ve got a New Year’s Resolution to keep.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

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Naughty Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It’s Cool Whip time!
4. If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
5. That’s one terrific spread!
6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
10. Don’t play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
12. Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up!

Top 10 Things a man would do if they woke up with a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes … BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Flirt Like a Cowgirl

Being a horseback rider has serious perks when it comes to interacting with men. You can be honest and dirty at the same time. After all, how many women can legitimately end a phone conversation like this:

Gotta go. I’m about to ride the stallion and I’m going to need both hands.

Or how about innocently musing when you can tell he’s starting to glaze over listening to you talk:

You know, ass-less chaps is really a misnomer. All chaps are ass-less. (Thanks, GTiL!)

If he’s pissing you off:

I held down 3 colts for castration this morning. I’m not too tired to do one more.

He needs to be taken down a peg? Try:

Awww, honey, really… it’s so cute! The miniature pony’s is almost as little as yours.

But unless you’re into the really kinky shit, never let him see your collection of whips and spurs!

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

Cure for Hump Day Blues

Globe Trotter in Lingerie: How are you?

Sex Kitten: I think I caught your deep blue funk. How’re you?

GTiL: Wine, chocolate, and a good love story 🙂

SK: Hot Damn, girl! That’s how you are?! Or that’s your prescription for the blues?

GTiL: That’s your cure LOL

SK: Nah, I’m self-medicating… Italian & an Italian. Geocacher is taking me out to dinner tonight.

GTiL: Yum! In pursuit of my current circumstances, I’ve decided to be an ‘Evil Maiden’ for Halloween.

SK: So, what, you’re not dressing up? Lame.

GTiL: Bite me.

SK: That’s what he said….

Globe Trotter in Lingerie, every girl should be lucky enough to have a friend like you! 🙂

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

The Chicken and the Horse

A Chicken and a Horse are best friends. One day they are strolling around the farm together when the horse falls into a deep pit. “Help!” he cries to the Chicken, “Go get the farmer to get me out of here!”

The Chicken runs back to the farm house, but the farmer isn’t at home. His brand new Porsche is sitting in the driveway with the keys in the ignition, which gives the Chicken an idea. He gets into the Porsche, drives to the pit, and ties one end of the rope to the Porsche and the other end around the Horse. Then the Chicken revs up the Porsche and uses it to haul the horse up and out of the pit. “Thanks buddy,” says the Horse, “I owe you one!”

The very next day, the two are walking together past the pit again, and this time the Chicken falls in. “Quick!” he squawks, “Go get the Porsche and pull me out!”

“No no no no,” replies the Horse, “Not necessary.” He straddles the pit with all four legs. Now, horses are known for being extremely well endowed, and so he lowers that part of his anatomy down into the pit and tells the Chicken to grab hold. Without further ado, the Horse reels the Chicken back up and saves the day.

The moral of this story? If you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Porsche to pick up chicks.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)