My Orgazmic Resolution

For New Years I always make a few… private… resolutions. And I always, always keep them.

This year I resolve to be nicer to animals. Especially cats.

Now, I have never been a cat person. When I was a teenager, my mom told me:

Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.

And that was when I pretty much decided that cats could go to hell. Every time I see one, I have to repress the urge to kick it. For me cats represent some sexually repressed boy with blue balls who finally snaps and molests his little brother or sister. They stand for every time a wife throws out her husband’s porn collection in disgust. For every good little Catholic girl’s guilty confession to a priest who is jacking off behind the screen even as he prescribes 10 Hail Marys for her absolution.

But this year, I will make my peace with cats. I resolve to pet the kitty every chance I get.

No, that’s not enough. Fully embracing kitty cat welfare needs to become a global movement. I will write President Obama and propose that January be declared Pussy ‘Ppreciation Month. Everyone should think of nice things they could do for the pussy in their life. Perhaps they could buy it some new toys. Maybe give it a good grooming. Some pussies love to be teased with a feather. Stroke your kitty until it purrs. Gentleman should take note of the way the cat uses its tongue to clean itself, and perhaps offer to help any pussies that aren’t able to do this for themselves.

Gotta go. As Gandhi said, be the change you wish to see in the world. I’ve got a New Year’s Resolution to keep.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

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