Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe….

The online dating scene is looking fairly bleak, ladies and gents.

Potential Date #1 (after I requested that he tell me an interesting story about himself):

I once woke up at a mortician’s house being accused of stealing drugs that he would smuggle in the bodies. I also didn’t know where I was.

My Response: Impressive, no grammatical or spelling errors. Wait… WHAT THE FUCK?!

Potential Date #2 (sent at 4:32 in the morning. Yes, I notice these things):

Hi, I read your profile 3 times. It is amazing. So how are you?

My Response: Creeeeeppppperrrrrrrrrrr. OK, I can deal with socially awkward (hell, I SPECIALIZE in socially awkward), but I can’t do stalkers. Which one are you???

Potential Date #3:

Hey, this is a public service message. I was looking at your profile and on the side bar there were suggestions for others users being compared to you. All of them were described as “less kinky” or “less desiring of sex.” I’m not sure what you put in your profile but somehow this dating site seems to think you’re a freak. You seem like a nice girl and I thought you should know. lol

My Response: Very smooth. Do you need a sponsor for Sex Addicts Anonymous? I can hook you up.

And from The Cinematographer. No, that’s not what he’s best known for… he’ll have to be known as Dick Pic now:

Hey, hot sauce… how you been?

My Response: ‘Bout the same since you texted me naked photos of yourself and set up three dates with me all of which you either canceled or didn’t confirm, resulting in me standing you up. You?

Sigh… it’s a jungle out there, and most of the animals are fucking retarded.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

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