Profile: The Unattainable

Chris. I’m not sure why I’m so crazy about this guy. Globe Trotter in Lingerie has this theory… “Isn’t it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones who ignore us. Love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones that love us.” Chris is in the ignoring and hurting category, but so sweet to me in between the ignoring and the hurting that I can’t seem to let it go. Everyone who knows me is sick of hearing about him. I’m even getting pathetic to myself. And yet.

Before we go on, let’s get the soundtrack right. I just discovered “Our Song”… which of course is my song, because there is no “us.” Here it is: Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy. Divine break-up song.

I met Chris in March knowing that he had one foot out the door with a job offer in a city 3 hours away that he really wanted and would almost certainly get. I didn’t realize the time line would be quite so short… he moved just 3 weeks after we met, but in retrospect that was a good thing. I fell so hard and fast for him that if he had stayed longer it could have only been worse.

Chris didn’t talk much about himself, which is normally something I do not like, but he is a great listener, has a smart but nerdy sense of humor, and was far too sweet to me for the fact that he essentially slept with me several times then dumped me when he moved. He will answer my texts and emails very sweetly, but initiates no contact. I’ve been to his new city and seen him (read: slept with him) twice on the way to and from a business trip in June. He can’t quite bring himself to tell me to leave him alone, which I would do if he did. Hell, I’ve asked him to. But he won’t, and so I send him a message once a week or so, to which he always replies quickly and kindly. I will be flying through “his” airport again at the end of August, and I’m debating whether or not to ask to see him. He will probably say yes, but does that just make it worse for both of us? What do I really hope to achieve?

I’m not a person who thinks “everything happens for a reason.” I think we create meaning in our own lives. We look back at past events with the benefit of the distance of time, and we tell ourselves the story of our lives. When I look back in a year’s time at this uncharacteristic infatuation with Chris, I wonder what I will see.

Will I be glad I was brave enough to express my feelings to him, knowing that I would receive nothing in return? Yes, I think so. I made myself vulnerable to loss by falling in love (gulp, dare I say it?) with a man I couldn’t have. The very fact that I couldn’t have him probably made me want him that much more. I have that sort of self-defeating streak!

Will I be embarrassed that I pursued the relationship long after it became clear that Chris felt affection for me, but had no desire to be with me? Yes, I think so. At least I can laugh at myself, because I’ve had more than one WTF??? moment in this process.

And maybe… maybe I will look back and see that my too short romance with Chris made something better possible. That it opened me up and stretched out my shrunken little closed up heart in preparation for… what? What do I even want? I’m having so much fun dating casually at the moment that I can almost forget that there’s a part of me that saw something more in Chris. In my own messed up chickenshit way, I think I allowed myself to fall for him like I’ve never fallen for anyone exactly because he was

The Unattainable.

~ Sex Kitten (with claws)

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6 responses

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